Self-Pity Vs. Self-Compassion
“Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance, you must keep moving.”
- Albert Einstein
Pain is part of the human condition. It’s part of childhood and adulthood. At the same time, pain is not handed out evenly to all people. Some will know a lot more suffering than others. Just as some will know more or less joy, anxiety, excitement, or sorrow.
Earlier we discussed how we actually experience a lot more pain than we even realize or remember (the “Pollyanna principle”). Our brains work hard to push down traumatic memories. And when forced to think about our childhoods, it’s common to have rather large gaps in memory that are too painful to relive. If someone wants to really do the work to dig up memories beyond the pleasant snapshots and old family photos, they will likely discover layers of unexpressed sadness, frustration, despair, longing, disconnection, loneliness, shame, and pain.
The cure to releasing that grief is feeling it and processing it. Providing your inner world with compassion, and specifically self-compassion. I am a big believer in the power of self-acceptance, self-love, and self-compassion. If you take some time and think about what life was really like at various stages, chances are you’ve been through many extremely painful periods and there is great therapeutic value in receiving compassion from others and from ourselves for the suffering we have experienced. What was life like for you as an infant? Were you accepted? Wanted? Cherished? How about as an adolescent? Were you free to truly be yourself, to make mistakes and grow? As a teenager, could the people who mattered most in your life see you for who you truly were rather than asking you to fulfill projections of who they thought you should be? In young adulthood, what struggles did you face? How painful were they? Self-compassion is an incredibly healing gift for those able to learn how to give it to themselves.
At the same time, we live in a society that frowns on self-pity. And to people who say self-pity is to be avoided I would say, I agree. While self-compassion is immensely powerful, self-pity keeps us stuck. The problem is that these two very different things often get confused for one another, so let’s see if we can start to separate them out.
Self-pity involves thinking of yourself as the victim. It implies helplessness. And it involves wallowing in the endless belief that you will never escape the painful emotions and repetition of your past.
Self-compassion, on the other-hand, is about realizing you are no longer the victim. We have compassion for the hurt we have been through; however, we know this does not mean we are doomed to repeat it. We give ourselves permission to acknowledge and feel our feelings. At the same time, we know we are empowered because as we bring awareness and compassion to ourselves, our past no longer defines our future.
Self-compassion represents an increased understanding of what we’ve been through. We reframe our stories not for pity but as a sign of the strength and growth that allowed us to become the person we now are. And that person is anything but helpless. You have the strength both to be kind to yourself and to give yourself a better present and future. It is empowering to realize you have the skills to protect yourself from repeating old patterns that have harmed you. Coming to understand the difference between self-pity and self-compassion empowers us to eliminate self-pity and pile on the much-needed loving self-compassion.
Ask Yourself:
What do I see as the difference between self-pity and self-compassion? And, how do I feel about each?
What painful past memories have I potentially not fully allowed myself to feel and to process?
How can I give myself more self-compassion?
Next Letter: Mourning