Forgiveness
“To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”
- Lewis B. Smedes
Forgiveness is a powerful concept in most of the world’s major religions. Catholics have formal confession and nearly all forms of Christianity believe in asking God for forgiveness. During the Jewish High Holy Days there is the “ten days of repentance,” which is a time to ask both God and others for forgiveness. Jews believe that sins against God only God can forgive and sins against man only man can forgive. Buddhists believe that forgiveness is a critical step to achieving a peaceful state and that not granting others forgiveness creates suffering. Hinduism recognizes the two sides in the act of forgiveness: the one who extends forgiveness (whom I’ll call the “forgiver”) and the seeker of forgiveness (whom I’ll call the “forgivee”)). In 12-Step programs, which are derived from the Christianity-based Oxford Group, forgiveness is a key part of recovery.
Why is this notion of forgiveness so prevalent across spiritual practices? At first glance, forgiveness appears to be for the forgiver. If I wronged the someone (the forgiver), then I owe them an apology, and by apologizing I am setting things right. The forgiver is benefiting from the forgivee’s act.
Forgivers do often benefit greatly from granting forgiveness. It can bring immense closure and understanding. It can help people let go of intense suffering. As has been famously said, “Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” By forgiving someone, we can be freed from our own anger.
However, upon closer examination, many would argue this is not the reason forgiveness is so popular across cultures and religions. I would argue that its popularity is due to what it does for the forgivee, the person asking for forgiveness. And that it is even more powerful than what it does for the person granting forgiveness. Anyone who has ever truly felt forgiven (whether they felt forgiven by God, by another person, or by themself) knows what a tremendous relief it is. It frees us from our guilt and our shame. If we truly feel forgiven, it can remove a great weight.
I believe spiritual traditions ultimately prescribe the difficult task of asking for forgiveness to free us from our own guilt so we can be kinder to ourselves. This is also a great way to approach making amends. Make it clear that you’d like to apologize to the other person, but they are in fact doing you a favor by letting you apologize. The point is truly to benefit the person asking for forgiveness. If you apologize sincerely and are sincerely forgiven, I have no doubt that you will benefit.
Asking for forgiveness isn’t easy. It means admitting fault, and most of us have been trained from a very young age to hide as much fault as we can. After all, who likes being in trouble? Our admissions of guilt in childhood may not have always been met with compassion. If you were reprimanded or shamed for owning up to your mistakes in the past, hesitating to do so now would be more than understandable. Nevertheless, if you do set out to seek forgiveness, know that the truest motivation is doing it for yourself, perhaps with the side benefit of helping others.
It’s critical to mention that the goal of seeking forgiveness is not to beat yourself up. The goal is not to pile on as much guilt and responsibility as possible. Many people think everything is their fault, when in many cases there is guilt on all sides. Even though we can ultimately only be responsible for our own actions, we need not own all the guilt all the time. The goal is to apologize and seek forgiveness for your mistakes only.
How do we know when we are taking responsibility for our actions versus just beating up on ourselves for no good reason? I’d like to return to Brene Brown’s words, “Guilt says, ‘I'm sorry. I made a mistake.’ Shame: ‘I'm sorry. I am a mistake.” If you are apologizing for what you did, that’s cathartic and healing. If you are apologizing for who you are, that’s self-abuse. In which case, perhaps you’d be better off apologizing to yourself for beating yourself up so undeservedly.
I have also noticed a tendency to confuse forgiving with forgetting. Some even mistakenly use forgiveness as an excuse to forget. This is not my intention at all. I am encouraging forgiving, but not forgetting. A good example of this is when it comes to examining our parents and caregivers. Much of psychology and self-improvement is based around the difficult work of breaking through our idealized versions of our parents to see their faults, to acknowledge (with or without blaming them) how they have harmed us, and to give ourselves the awareness and self-compassion necessary to heal. Naturally, this type of deep inward search can’t be done if you are aiming to forget what has happened to you. Instead, it requires the opposite of forgetting: seeking to consciously uncover what you have already forgotten. Moreover, one can’t forgive what one doesn’t recall. If you want to heal, and are willing to do the difficult work of gently uncovering your inner self, I applaud you and encourage you to remember the distinction between forgiving and forgetting.
By it’s nature, forgiveness comes only after we understand what we are forgiving. If you have yet to uncover the repressed memories such as those around your childhood mistreatment, then you would be doing yourself a great disservice to forgive before you understand what you are forgiving. That would be more like avoidance than forgiveness.
Uncovering what we are angry about can seem like a daunting task. Know that it can happen in steps. As you dig deeper and uncover new memories, you can grant new forgiveness. Each time, you’ll cycle deeper as the layers of awareness are peeled back. As severe pains are revealed, you will likely need to go through the stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance) before you can truly entertain forgiveness. In my experience the journey is not always linear, and the five stages of grief don’t always come in a smooth or predictable order. I encourage you to be patient with yourself and the process. There is no such thing as going too slow. Going deep is key to the real work, not the speed.
Ask Yourself:
How does forgiveness benefit the person seeking forgiveness? How does it benefit the person granting forgiveness?
How do I feel about admitting when I am wrong?
Do I tend to take on more than my share of guilt?
What are the differences between forgiving and forgetting?
Next Letter: Self-Forgiveness