Getting Help
“If you want to go fast, go alone.
If you want to go far, go together.”
-African Proverb
As with showing vulnerability, our culture views asking for help as a sign of weakness. It’s easy to see the root of this, and in some cases it’s valid. Asking for help could communicate to someone that you are in a position to be taken advantage of. Chances are that for many of us, our caregivers in childhood communicated in either subtle or not-so-subtle ways that it was best to be self-reliant. That we shouldn’t ask for help so much, particularly as we got older. Some caregivers may have provided help but done so inconsistently, making us dependent and in constant need of help in some ways, and yet still afraid to ask for it in others.
Because as a culture we are often so afraid to ask for help, I’ve come to realize that what takes the most courage is admitting that we in fact need it. Asking for help can be embarrassing and even shaming. It’s not easy to admit that we don’t know what we’re doing, are not sure, or could just use some assistance. That’s why many people wait until they are at a breaking point before even realizing they need help. Even then, some people will never admit it.
Everyone I’ve ever met could use some help. This is because I’ve never met a truly perfect person and I do not believe such a person exists. While I believe strongly in loving self-acceptance, I am also aware that there is always room for improvement. We don’t mock someone who exercises to maintain their physical health. So why should we mock someone who takes steps to care for their mental wellbeing? I suspect it is largely due to the difficulty we have tolerating in others what we fear most in ourselves. We’re afraid that we also might be flawed and could benefit from some help.
Mental health has been stigmatized as being for “crazy people.” People view it as taking someone who is sick, or abnormal, and trying to make them “normal.” But what about those who are already “normal?” Or, simply not doing too badly? Who wouldn’t want to be even healthier than they already are?
That help could take the form of joining a support group, reaching out to a trusted friend, picking up a helpful book, or turning to a higher power or a professional such as a therapist or spiritual leader. I believe the social stigma of admitting one is working on oneself will fade as society comes to realize that caring for one’s mental health should be celebrated rather than shamed by those too scared or otherwise unable to work on themselves.
It’s important to note that while asking for help is a huge and brave step, it is worth remembering that friends, mental health professionals, and spiritual leaders are also human and therefore fallible. It’s good to be open minded, to listen, and then to take what you like and leave the rest. Even if someone got a degree (or wrote a book), that doesn’t mean they’re always right. We’re all just people doing the best we can, imperfectly. We’re all capable of bad advice. Be brave, ask for help when you need it (or better yet, before you need it), and remember that no one knows everything and that’s ok.
Ask Yourself:
In what ways might I be reluctant or unwilling to ask for help?
Can I think of an example of “perfect” person who has no room for improvement? If I can, in what ways might this person be less than perfect?
What’s an example from my own life when it would have made sense to ask for help before I desperately needed it?
Can I give myself credit for having the courage to ask for help? What would that sound like?
Next Letter: Forgiveness