Is It Just Me?
“What is most personal is most universal.”
-Carl R. Rogers
When I was in the depths of my depression, I walked into a group called Codependents Anonymous. I felt like shit at the time. More specifically, I felt like such a puddle of shit that I could have slid in under the door.
In that meeting, I had a mind-blowing sense of being able to identify with the people there. Someone talked about how they always felt like they were a mistake. How all the other people in the world were meant to exist but not them; they were God’s mistake. Someone else talked about how they had made their spouse their reason for living and they feared they couldn’t live without them. Someone talked about going through life with a mask on, always feeling like a liar. And someone else spoke of the shame and self-hatred they felt every second of their lives. I couldn’t believe it. These were all thoughts I’d had, but I thought I was the only one. These were all feelings I had been afraid to admit even to myself, and here people were admitting them to strangers. Suddenly, I didn’t feel so alone.
Over the years, I’ve been to many different support groups and 12-step meetings. I’ve attended them in different states, on different continents and in different languages. Again and again, I hear the same stories. I hear my story from different people at different times with different variations, and I continue to realize just how not alone I truly am. The more I share myself with people willing and able to hear it, the more they identify with me too. When we truly open up and share our inner worlds, we discover, as Mr. Rogers so eloquently put it, “What is most personal is most universal.” There is great comfort in knowing that.
Whether you are struggling with abuse, death, loss, divorce, adultery, addiction, torture, abandonment, change, depression, shock, withdrawal, self-doubt, self-hate, crisis, agony, suicidal idealizations, denial, or something else, you often feel like you are alone in what you are dealing with. This is simply not true. You are never alone. It is nearly impossible to suffer a tragedy that others have not suffered before you. There are many just like you, suffering right now. The problem is, as a culture, we often fear talking about what is most personal so we feel alone when we are not. My advice is, find them. Pain becomes less painful when we no longer attempt to go it alone.
We often think our problems are unique because we are afraid to share them. We are afraid to admit to others what is going on inside us. However, it is only by sharing and finding others willing to share that we realize we need not go it alone. There’s no great glory in forcing yourself to deal with your issues on your own. “White knuckling it” by not getting help may sound courageous but it isn’t. Asking for help in a world that tells you not to, that is courageous. Furthermore, if you will not seek help for yourself, know that seeking help is likely to help others who can identify with your story and would love feel that they too are not alone.
Ask Yourself:
What are some ways others might have problems similar to my own?
How might it feel to know that my problems are not so unique?
In what ways might hearing about my problems help others?
Next Letter: Getting Help