Self-Forgiveness
“Who are we but the stories we tell ourselves, about ourselves, and believe?”
― Scott Turow
I can be my own worst enemy. Our inner-voices say negative things to us that we would never tolerate if other people said them. We deny our own emotions. We deny our own desires. We deny our own authentic selves. We shame ourselves and disconnect from our feelings. We abuse ourselves and have let others abuse us. In short, many of us are simply horrible to ourselves.
This is why I believe that the most difficult and necessary forgiveness is self-forgiveness. As you begin to realize just how cruel you have been to yourself all these years, it can become overwhelming. How are you ever going to make that up to yourself? Do we not deserve better than the heartbreaking levels of self-abuse so many of us inflict?
I like using the inner kid technique here, but really any form of conversation with yourself can be helpful. Meditate, talk to the person in the mirror, talk to a childhood photo of yourself; whatever works for you. If it makes you feel uncomfortable, that’s often a sign that the method is working.
At first your inner kid (or whatever form of yourself you set out to talk to) might resist speaking with you. They certainly might not believe an apology from you to be sincere. After all, it’s hard to believe your abuser (breaking all those promises to yourself is a big part of what you now need to apologize about). So, they might not initially be ready to hear an apology. Apologies by nature mean bringing up past pains and reliving them, so that resistance is understandable too. It may take a lot of love, compassion, and patience before you can begin to truly list all the ways you have harmed yourself and begin to make self-amends. It may take time for your inner child to realize you are trying, in your own imperfect manner to change, and so begin to gradually trust you.
Try to truly own your past mistakes. Be honest. You can explain why you did what you did, but don’t view your explanations as excuses for your behavior. You simply did the best you could at the time, as we all do. So, be gentle with yourself but also sincere in your apology. Sincerity is they key component in any apology. It’s okay if the other party needs time. It’s okay if self-forgiveness (like forgiveness) isn’t instant.
It can be helpful to promise to do better in the future, but remember that you are still human. Promising to do better is not promising to be perfect. If you continue to hurt yourself, you can continue to practice self-forgiveness. As with all things, it is about progress not perfection. Steps back do not negate steps forward. Owning our actions is not always comfortable, but it does lead to remarkable personal growth. In my experience, this sort of honest self-awareness allows us to gradually get better at being kind to ourselves. And believe me, you deserve kindness from yourself.
Ask Yourself:
In what ways have I harmed myself?
What can I do to take the next small steps towards building a better relationship with myself, towards being kinder to myself and trusting myself?
How would I act towards myself if I were a small wounded child I love? Is it possible that such a person is already within me, crying out for my compassion, love and acceptance?
Next Letter: Self-Pity vs. Self-Compassion