Mind Reading
“We’re only as sick as the secrets we keep.”
- Maria Nemeth
Another common complaint you hear in relationships is husbands complaining that their wives expect them to be mind readers. Although it’s stereotypically women who expect this, in my experience both genders are commonly guilty of it. This is another instance where I can understand why the fantasy is appealing. Who wouldn’t want someone so attuned to them that they don’t even have to speak their wants and desires? Sometimes, consciously or unconsciously, we expect our partners to know what we are feeling even before we know it ourselves. This unfortunately is another fairytale ideal that sets unrealistic expectations and is not fair to either party.
In large part, the problem lies in the fact that many of us learned in childhood that it was not okay to communicate our needs and desires. In some cases, we may have even been shamed for simply having normal, healthy needs and desires. So if we can’t connect with our feelings or communicate what it is we want, what option are we left with aside from hoping someone is so in tune with us that they magically know what is going on in our inner worlds?
In reality, it’s unfair to expect someone to read your mind. Ultimately, if you’d like someone to know how you feel, you need to tell him or her. This takes self-awareness, perhaps introspection, and often, tremendous courage. As we see time and time again, most worthwhile things in life take courage. And like most acts of courageous vulnerability, telling someone how we feel tends to strengthen communication and connection.
Likewise, it’s important to remember that you can’t read someone else’s mind. Projecting what we think another person is thinking can be dangerous. Quite often, we’re simply wrong. If you want to know how someone feels, ask and listen. You can even ask them, “Do you feel _____?” And then listen as they either confirm or correct your guess. Often people don’t know how they feel until they’re forced to look inward. The simple question “Do you feel _____?” has the magic ability to make us look inside ourselves.
Our feelings can have many layers. And those layers may even appear to conflict with each other, such as part of us feeling sad and another part relieved. Or part of us being happy and another part angry. Or, part of us wanting to take a particular action and another part wanting to do the exact opposite. Conflicting emotions can co-exist. So be patient and loving if someone needs to explore how he or she feels internally before they can tell you. It’s often a more complicated question than we realize. I once told a friend that I felt “scared” about a neck injury I had. Only when he suggested it could be even scarier that I was letting on did I realize, “scared” was an understatement and I actually felt terrified. It was just my tendency to “play it cool” and downplay my own fears. To me a neck injury meant I could end up a paralyzed. While that outcome was highly unlikely, that thought was very scary for me. By connecting to and validating the underlying fear of becoming paralyzed, I was able to relieve myself of the fear.
If and when someone does tell you how they truly feel, if you can, listen. Listen not just for the words, but for the emotion. This opens communication and helps the unfair expectation of mind reading fade. After all, it’s the secrets we don’t tell that truly haunt us.
Ask Yourself:
Do I expect others to read my mind?
Do I try to read others’ minds?
Am I willing to ask someone what they think or feel, and then try to listen to their response without judgment?
Am I willing to try communicating how I feel?
Next Letter: That Voice in Your Head