That Voice in Your Head

“Most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be.”

Abraham Lincoln

        We’re engaged in near constant conversation with ourselves. If you stop reading for a moment, you’ll likely continue hearing the thoughts passing through your mind. Our “inner voices” are rarely if ever quiet.

        Your inner voice wanders in many directions, telling you all kinds of stuff. It tells you, “That person is attractive... I need to write that email... I don’t like the smell in here.” And, infinite other random and not-so random thoughts. There’s a good chance that even as you read this, your inner voice is wandering off to something else.

        That voice also tells you what you think of yourself. Perhaps it says, “You’re not good enough. You’re not smart enough. You’re not lovable. You don’t deserve to be here. You’re a mistake,” or maybe even just, “You’re not enough.”

        In Buddhism, the first of the Four Noble Truths is that life is suffering. Noble Truth #2 is that the cause of our suffering is desire. It’s that damn voice in our head, always wanting things. Wanting that partner, wanting material things, wanting a better life, wanting people to change, or wanting a better us. So what does Buddhism teach is the solution to this problem? Silence the voice and reach nirvana.

        What if instead of only seeking to quiet the inner voice, we tried to change it to a more positive voice?  This is the basis for a lot of cognitive psychology. In simple terms, you feel the way you think. So if you want to change the way you feel, you have to change the way you think. Can you turn your “inner critic” into more of a positive and loving “inner friend?”

        Unfortunately, the way that voice speaks to you is ingrained very early in life. For many, the messages came screaming loud and clear when their parents told them they weren’t good enough (or implied it in subtle ways), when they only felt loved conditionally (again this can be subtly and unintentionally communicated), or when they were abandoned (abandonment can be physical, such as a parent leaving, or a emotional, such as a parent being emotionally unavailable). It's also ingrained in the subtle messages that even the best-intentioned parents still deliver. Such as implying a kid should be different than they are, that certain feelings are not entirely valid, or a parent’s inability to attune to their own emotions and thus by extension their children’s.  Kids feel what is unspoken.

        So great, we have this negative voice in our heads that’s almost as deeply ingrained in our thinking as our mother tongue. “I was taught to think in English, and also that I was an unlovable piece of shit whose feelings and very way of being is wrong.” So if that’s at the core of our thinking, how do we dig it up and change it?

        Like many of the ideas in these letters, changing our inner voice is simple but not easy. In fact, it’s extremely difficult. It’s also worth it. The benefits of changing that voice are immeasurable. In my opinion, it’s the most critical factor in how much we enjoy our lives. Wherever you go, whatever you accomplish, and no matter how much money, fame, love, or possessions you acquire, your thoughts do not leave you. That's why the biggest key to happiness is how you think internally and not what you have externally.

        Now, we’re talking about trying to rewire the habitual patterns of our thoughts. There are many, many ways to approach retraining your mind. In “Idea 17: Who We Attract,” we discussed, “Awareness, Acceptance, and Action.”  Let’s take a moment to examine the 3 A’s a little more deeply:

1. Awareness: The first step is realizing what your inner voice is saying. Its often occurring at the lower level’s of consciousness so just finding out it’s there is a big step. If you realize a negative, unhelpful thought bouncing around in your unconscious, you’re ready for step two.

2. Acceptance: At this point, you’ve gone a little deeper and accepted that you have problem. You’re not fighting it; you’ve embraced the monster within and you’re in a position to lovingly work on it. That leads you to step three.

3. Action: The problem is real, and now you’re motivated to get busy with the simple but difficult work of addressing it. We’re going to re-train that deep-seated inner voice, one message at a time.

        You can repeat these steps with each negative thought you uncover. Here are some examples of my own negativity that I’ve worked to dig up and reframe. Keep in mind that these thoughts often happen so subconsciously that we don’t even realize we’re thinking them, and yet we’re constantly telling ourselves and believing extremely negative and harmful falsehoods:

      Perhaps some of the Original Thoughts in the left column resonated for you. If so, you might be working on the first step, Awareness. If so, that’s incredible. That’s a huge step forward. Becoming aware of a problem puts you in a position to take the even further steps that will radically change your life. As you become more aware, you will progress further out of denial and into acceptance.

        Then you can move into action. Your action can take many forms. It may be repeating to yourself that newly-reframed positive affirmation even if you don’t believe it. If any of the reframings on the right were uncomfortable for you to say, that’s an indication that you’ve found a good one to work on. You can repeat a positive reframing affirmation even if you do not believe it, and through repetition you can come to believe. Say it until it is not longer difficult. Say it daily for as long as it takes to believe it. You’re worth it, even if you don’t believe that yet.

        Know that beliefs and actions work hand-in-hand. The more we believe positive things about ourselves, the more positive actions we take. Just as the more positive actions we take, the more we will believe in ourselves.

Ask Yourself:

1. Is the voice in my head kind to me, or is it an asshole?
2. What negative things is my inner voice telling me about myself?
3. What positive reframings from the chart above do I not believe in yet?
4. Are there other negative thoughts that it would be beneficial for me to reframe? How can I reframe them?

Next Letter: Is It Better to be Happy or Right?

Additional re-framings that have helped me:

Self-Worth

• I'm good enough,
• I do enough,
• I am safe,
• I love myself.
• I am very lucky in love & life.
• I forgive myself unconditionally.
• I have control over my thoughts.
• I do not listen to my own negative voice.
• I please myself first.
• I am the meaning of my life.
• I am going to be o.k.
• I put myself and my inner-children first- always. Before my career. Before other people. Before relationships.
• It's okay to be myself. It's wonderful to be myself.
• I am loving.
• I am lovable.
• I am loved.
• My future is wonderful because I take care of my inner-child.
• I am worthwhile when I am productive. I am worthwhile when I am not productive. My worth is not tied to my productivity.
• I am whole & complete.
  • Money does not complete me.
  • A career does not complete me.
  • A woman does not complete me.
  • Nothing external completes me because I am already whole and complete.
• I can and will defend myself.
• I deserve not just to survive but to thrive.
• My goal is not mere survival.
  • I deserve to kick-ass.
  • I deserve abundance.
  • I deserve success.
  • I deserve immense happiness.
  • I deserve to be loved and to love myself.
  • I deserve a great relationship.
  • I love myself.
• I stop condemning myself without mercy.
• Self-hate is the drug (coping mechanism) I put down.
• I do not participate in my own abuse.
• I speak up.
• I speak with confidence.
• I am heard.
• I will be heard.
• Not knowing is not bad news.
• I protect my inner child and honor my wants & needs.
• I'm tall enough, Attractive enough. Lovable enough. I got this. I love myself.
• I am a good person.
• I am a worthy person.
• I am lovable and an amazing catch exactly as I am.
• I can depend on myself and others to help get my needs met.

Money/Career

• I deserve the money I am making.
• I deserve to make more money.
• Having money is cool.
• I have the perfect job(s) and career path for me!
• I love money and money loves me.
• I am attracting the perfect people to help me reach my goals.
• I am filled with gratitude.
• I have huge earning potential.
• I save money.
• I can have money & happiness together.
• I appreciate what money does for me.
• I am filled with gratitude for the success I have achieved.
• I take responsibility for my life.
• I am extremely employable. Employers would be lucky to have me.
• Money is not what defines me.
• I can find ways to make more money without compromising my true self.
• I have plenty of time, plent of money, and plenty of love.
• Wealth is for me.
• Abundance.
• Money does not define the real me. The inner-child me is separate from such externals.
• I can have good things. And good things can last.
• I let go of my attachment to daddy rescuing me.
• I take responsibility for my life.
• I am an optimist.

FOOD & BODY

• I trust my body's signals.
• I respect my hunger. I respect my fullness.
•  I am present while eating.
• Eating is a nice use of time.
• I can feel my feelings, they will pass.
• I slow down while eating. I am present
• My stomach does not define my self worth.
• I don't have to do or change anything about myself to be worthy of love. I am worthy of love right now.
• My body does not define my self worth.
• I love myself completely
• I love and respect my body.
• I take care of my body, I listen to my body, I love my body, and I respect my body.

Spiritual

• Everybody & everything prospers me. And I prosper everybody and everything.
• I am at peace.
• I deserve a happy and successful life.
• Hope is a gift I deserve to give myself.
• I love myself unconditionally- regardless of the externals.
• I am worthy.
• I am a good person.
• I feel my fears and take the next right step anyway.
• I am responsible for the action not the results.
• I am safe.
• I appreciate life. Life is a gift.
• I can let negative triggers pass through me.
• I am positive and loving.
• I keep 1 foot (or more) in reality.
• My self-worth is not based on my productivity, bank account, job or relationship status. I am a lovable, valuable & worthwhile person because I am a person. I live a principle centered life.
• I earn my way in this world.
• I am competent and in control of my life. I got this.
• I don't know what the future holds but I trust there's a lot of good stuff in there.
• I love myself uncondictionally- faults and all.
• I am perfectly imperfect.
• I love EVERY inch of myself- inside and out. And all the way through. All of it.
• I am present.
• I release my fear of the unknown, I surrender.
• I commit to reality at all costs, knowing that is where I will find the ultimate serenity. To make my dreams come true, I must wake up.
• I accept that the life I have known is over. I accept pain as my teacher, & problems as the key to a new existence for me.
• I recognize that time is transforming my loneliness into connection, my suffering into meaning, & relationships into intimacy.

Perspective

• I am comfortable seeing all sides of life.
• I am happy, I am loving, and I am very successful.
• I do not know what the future holds, and that's a good thing.
  • Good luck, bad luck, who knows?
• I take responsibility for my life.
• Good things are happening to me and will last.
• There is no rush but in my mind.
• I am living my life right- my way.
• There is no "right way" to do life but to do my life my way.
• I'll handle it.
• I am making life worth living.
• I feel my feelings.
• I love life.
• Fear does not stop me.
• I am in control of my life.
• I am very happy I am here.
• I am very happy I was born.
• I am very happy I am alive.
• I have the courage to act... and the faith to let go of the results.
• My truth is awesome.
• My truth is wonderful.
• My truth is my truth.
• I am attracting loving, wonderful, healthier people.
• It's wonderful to use my voice.
• I'm worth it. I love myself.
• I surrender and accept that I really don't control what will happen next & that's ok.

relationships

• I am loved even when I am not needed.
• Need ≠ Love
• Pity ≠ Love
• I am the popular guy people are lucky to be friends with.
• We are all equals.
• I release my attachment to suffering.
• My life is manageable when I focus on myself rather than others.
• Life is not turning out the way I expected & I love that. I surrender. I love myself.
• I have intentions, not control. Letting go gives me true freedom.
• I do not torture myself with attempts at mind reading.
• I am incredible catch. Any one would be lucky to be with.
• I am confident at talking to anyone.
• I'm a great catch with great self-worth.
• I take the risks I want and let go of the results.
• I release my "zero or hero" all-or-nothing thinking. I find the middle way.
• I release my attachments to complacency and mere survival.
• I am a loving and worthwhile person with or without a beautiful woman to validate me.
• I like a pretty face but my value is not based on a pretty face.
• I am worthy of love and being loved exactly as I am and I am worthy of it now.
• I deserve to love and be loved.
• I am worthy of a great relationship.
• I deserve to be an imperfect catch.
• I am not afraid of real intimacy. I deserve it.
• I am attracting healthy attractive women.
• I am not responsible for a loved one's or other's feelings.
• I don't need sex, masturbation, a pretty face, or a woman to feel okay. I feel my feelings. All my feelings.
  • I am okay with or without sex.
  • I am okay with or without masterbation.
  • I am okay with or without a woman.
  • I am okay with or without a pretty face.
  • I build an abundant life that relies on many things for my happiness.
• I keep my identity in and out of a relationship. I always keep my identity. I will not abandon myself. My relationship with myself is the one relationship that is guaranteed to always be there so I treat it accordingly.
• I am attractive physically and personally.
• I will not need to convince a anyone to be with me. I'm likeable and worth keeping around exactly as I am. Faults and all.
• My needs can be met, if I make it happen. Its not up to luck, strategizing or manipulation. Its up to me to get my needs met in an authentic way that honors myself.
• I can turn down sex if it doesn't honor my authentic needs.
• Abundance. There are lots of potential partners for me, if one does not like me. Its never my last opportunity to have someone.
• I am attractive, successful, and likely to be chosen.
• People are not objects to get me high. I put down that drug one day at a time and treat all people as people.