Who We Attract
"Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate."
-C.G. Jung
I often hear people say, “I attract assholes.” Or, “I attract lunatics/bitches/alcoholics/smothering women/controlling men/emotionally unavailable people/train wrecks/bad luck” and so on. Whenever someone tells me about the kind of people they attract, my first thought is always, “that’s probably because you are attracted to them.” I know this because I spent most of life attracted to women I could pity and rescue, so those were the women I attracted. Simply put, we attract what we are attracted to.
Putting the blame on other people helps us avoid personal responsibility, but it also prevents us from breaking our own patterns and growing beyond them. As we discussed earlier, assuming the problem is other people leaves you powerless. So let’s take the opposite approach for a bit and assume you are attracting what you’re (consciously or unconsciously) attracted to. You might be saying, “But I don’t want an asshole/bitch/jerk/alcoholic.” However, the brain is not always so linear. Different parts of us frequently want different things.
On the surface, we know we don’t want another asshole/alcoholic/codependent/lunatic or whatever our historically problematic type is. Of course we don’t want those negative traits in a partner. However, as discussed in Idea 11: Being Nice, there maybe another, unconscious part of us that seeks the familiarity of past pains in the hope of changing the outcome. Only we unconsciously try to make sure the outcomes (our worse fears) also repeat themselves. This pattern can continue for a lifetime if one never gains awareness of its existence.
Becoming aware that we are trapped in a pattern of our own making can be a very uncomfortable realization. It’s often a slow and distressing progression out of denial. Denial keeps us superficially happy because we get to believe what we want instead of what is real. In the short term, denial helps us avoid pain, but in the long run denial keeps us stuck and prevents growth. Through awareness, acceptance, and action, in that order, we can shift both whom we are attracted to and whom we attract.
I encourage you to gently ask yourself, “Deep down, do I really want to change my patterns? Might there be part of me that does not want to change who I’m attracted to?” When examining why I might want to relive a familiar pain, I like to remember the dirty diaper metaphor: A child will gladly stay in its shit-filled diaper thinking, “Sure it smells bad and it’s uncomfortable, but it's warm and it’s mine.” This is the familiar pain we know.
Today, I am far less attracted to women I can pity and rescue, In fact, they have the opposite effect and I have the desire to distance myself from them romantically as much as possible. That type of relationship sounds exhausting and pointless to me now. In my friendships, I am no longer attracted to the “train wrecks” I use to surround myself with. I realize now, I was unconsciously using them to feel better about my own problematic life. Today, I seek out healthier people and once this truly became my desire, it’s amazing how I found the ability to meet healthier people.
There can be great comfort in familiar pain. Perhaps the familiar pain is less terrifying than the unpredictability of the unknown. Nevertheless, to grow, we must be willing to venture into that unknown, leaving behind painful but familiar patterns.
Ask Yourself:
Do I attract a certain “type?” What “type” is that?
Might part of me be attracted to this “type?”
What past pains might I be consciously or unconsciously replaying?
Do I really want to change?
What parts of me are resistant to change?
Next Letter: Love At First Sight