Love at First Sight
“We move from the illusion of certainty to the certainty of illusion.”
- Sam Keen
The notion of falling in love at first sight is a powerful one. Who wouldn’t love that experience? You meet someone and before you even speak, you know: This is the one I will spend the rest of my days with, this is my ticket to happiness. It’s a magical change that comes in the blink of an eye to make everything better. People are naturally predisposed to believe in what they want to be true, and who wouldn’t want love at first sight to be real?
This type of immediate, deep, and lasting connection is so ingrained in our cultural thinking that challenging it can be met with the same level of resistance as attacking someone’s faith. It’s in our movies, books, and love songs. Nevertheless, as this is an exercise in challenging commonly held ideas, let’s see if we can’t examine this notion a little further.
I have no doubt that upon seeing someone, a lot of emotions can immediately be stirred. It’s a phenomenon I have felt, and it’s quite the high, but what is really happening in that moment? The objective truth is, in that moment we don’t know this other person. All we have is what our mind is projecting onto them. Based primarily on how they look and our brain’s preconceived notions, we make assumptions about this new person. Since we don’t really know them, we are not falling in love with the real person. We are falling in love with our own fantasy about what that person represents. We are falling in love with a fantasy.
In time, the fantasy may prove true. Maybe they are wonderful and the relationship lasts. Or, you slowly come out of denial. This process can be very slow and difficult. Our minds don’t really like to change the patterns in which we think (this is the basis of dissonance theory, the tendency for individuals to seek consistency among their cognitions). It takes very little time to make a first impression, and a remarkable amount of effort to change one.
Eventually, we must move past our first impression and begin to see if our fantasy is accurate. If we don’t, we’ll be forced out of it. No matter the power of the first attraction, there is no perfect long-term relationship. Real life has its ups and downs. It can indeed get wildly better. The valleys need not be as deep as they use to be (and that’s what a lot of these letters are about), but I’ve yet to see a real-life example where things were simply “happily ever after.”
I know this is likely to have very little impact on anyone’s dream of falling in love at first sight. If that’s a fantasy that brings someone joy, I certainly would understand the desire to hold out hope. At the same time, I am suggesting that actually getting to know someone beyond our projections is beneficial to a long-term, sustainable relationship. I am suggesting that real love does not happen at first sight. That must grow over time through an authentic sharing of one’s true self and an acceptance of who the other person is in reality, not in our fantasies.
Sometimes, when I find myself drifting towards fantasy, I remind myself to, “keep one foot in reality” if keeping two seems to challenging. I have faith that even a bit of objective reality helps me stay away from drifting too far into the potential dangers of pure fantasy. Furthermore, having an open mind that considers options outside our fantasies can be even better than our original preconceived ideals of what a partner or love should be.
Ask Yourself
What happens during “love at first sight?”
Do I believe there is such thing as a “perfect” relationship? What would this look like?
How can I go about getting to know a person before determining our compatibility? Am I open to this?
Next Letter: What is Love Anyway?