Is Love Enough?
“Everything worth having costs something, and the price of true love is self-knowledge.”
-Unknown
I often hear people justify staying in a bad relationship by saying, “But we love each other.” This is an interesting cultural concept. Yes, mutual love is critical in a relationship. However, the notion that two people should stay together just because they love each other is inherently problematic.
The truth is, two people can truly love each other and also be truly awful for each other. A child who is raped by a parent will often still speak of intense love and loyalty to their abuser. While this is a harsh metaphor, we often see the same sort of flawed reasoning in adult relationships. “Love” is commonly used as a dangerous excuse to stay in deeply unhealthy and even dangerous relationships.
This is true in romantic, familial, professional, and platonic relationships. Loving someone and/or being loved does not give them permission to abuse you or be abused by you. Love is a key factor in what we all want in our relationships, but I would argue that it cannot be the only factor. And assuming “love trumps all” is in fact a dangerous mentality we as a society need to seriously reconsider. That sort of rationale has lead countless people to tolerate unthinkable degrees of abuse, all in the so-called name of love.
I wish for you a relationship that has love, but not just love. A healthy relationship also has mutual understanding, appreciation, and respect. Respect for who you are as a couple and as individuals. A healthy couple is not two people becoming one. It is two people, loving and supporting each other. Too many of us confuse love with pity and tend to love those we can pity. The love I wish for you respects autonomy and aims to bring out the best rather than the worst in each other. It aims to find someone you can love and be loved by imperfectly and for your imperfections.
As we love and respect ourselves more, we are increasingly able to seek out the kinds of relationships we deserve. I don’t mean perfect relationships or perfect people – those don’t exist (expecting perfection of ourselves or other is simply an unfair and unrealistic expectation). But we become capable of relationships that give us vastly more of the love, understanding, appreciation, and respect we deserve.
As you gain confidence, you will begin to set healthier boundaries. Setting boundaries with loved ones can be extremely difficult for you and for them. Human beings seldom like change (even when the status quo is bad). I must also warn: when you set a boundary, be prepared to stick to it. Assume it will be hard, and gather what support you can so you don’t waver.
Know that creating boundaries, or even ending an unhealthy relationship entirely in order to protect one’s self, does not mean you do not love the person anymore. It just means you love yourself.
Ask Yourself:
If two people love each other, should they stay together no matter what?
What kind of relationships do I deserve?
- Romantic
- Family (this can be your biological “family of origin” or a non-biological “family of choice”)
- Friendships
- Professional
3. What kind of boundaries would I like to set, and how can I stick to them?
4. Can I accept that setting boundaries does not mean I do not love someone, but rather that I love myself?
Next Letter: Mind Reading