What is Love, Anyway?
“The limits of my language means the limits of my world.”
- Ludwig Wittgenstein
I struggled to find a quote to start this letter, but not because of any shortage of great quotes about love. The problem is the variety of definitions that are applied to the word love. With so many wonderful yet varied ways to define the word, how could I pick just one and pretend like that was the right or only definition of love?
One way of approaching an examination of love is to split it into two categories, passionate love and companionate love. Passionate love is that intense feeling in the early stages of a relationship. It’s the stuff movies, poetry, and love songs commonly depict. The Handbook of Social Psychology (1998) defines passionate love as “a state of intense longing for union with another. Passionate lovers are absorbed in one another, feel ecstatic at attaining their partner’s love, and are disconsolate on losing it.” It’s that intense drug that makes us feel high levels of euphoria, excitement, and fear all at once. Sexual attraction is a large part of passionate love, but not necessarily all of it. The attachment can be sexual and emotional all at once.
Some people spend their lives chasing the high of passionate love. Since it’s not sustainable over time, they need to go from relationship to relationship to keep experiencing the high. Others who stay in longer relationship will often progress to companionate love. Once the passionate stage passes, a couple can either break up or progress to the companionate stage. If they choose to progress, the parties now depend on each other in a new way. The Handbook of Social Psychology defines companionate love as “the affection we felt for those with whom our lives are deeply intertwined.”
Beyond our romantic relationships, there are many more types of love. And again, part of the problem is that we use the same word for so many different emotions. I can say, “I love my wife,” “I love my parents,” “I love my kids,” “I love my work,” and “I love a good cookie.” But if I take a moment and feel each of those emotions, I realize none of them actually feel the same. They are not truly the same emotion. We’re just limited by our vocabulary.
The Greeks had four different words for love:
“Storge” for love of family and affectionate love
“Philia” for love of friends
“Eros” for romantic love
“Agape” for spiritual love
Not all “love” feels the same, just as not all cases of joy, happiness, or sorrow are in fact the same.
I would suggest that all types of love are valuable. We’re lucky to experience any and all of them. I would also suggest that perhaps passionate love can be felt at first sight; however, long-term compatibility takes a lot longer to determine. Romantic ideals all too frequently set impossible standards that are repeatedly setting many of us up for great disappointment. Sustainable love takes seeing someone not just as we wish they were, but as they are. It takes asking yourself not, “Does this person fit my preconceived notion of a perfect partner?” or the equally dangerous, “Can I change this person into what I want?” but rather, “Can I accept this person exactly as they are, faults and all?”
Ask Yourself:
How do I choose to define love?
If I take a moment and examine how I feel when I think about different people, places, or things I love, is the emotion the same every time?
Love is critical but is love ultimately the only thing that matters in a relationship? What else matters?
Does love conquer all? What does that mean to me?
Next Letter: Is Love Enough?