Self-Sabotage
“The fault, dear Brutus, lies not in our stars but in ourselves.”
- William Shakespeare
I’ve unconsciously pushed many romantic partners away to insure self-sabotage. I thought they’d abandon me but didn’t have the courage to end it so I resorted to subtle unconscious self-sabotage.
People unconsciously self-sabotage all the time. We think a relationship is going to fail so we unconsciously begin pushing our partner away. We mess up at work and part of us wants to destroy everything we’ve built rather than admit a mistake. Or we do absolutely nothing, ensuring we make no progress. People self-sabotage every day, and most of the time they are not remotely aware they are doing it.
They key to avoiding self-sabotage is awareness. Merely by being aware that you are self-sabotaging, you can shift the paradigm. You can begin to ask yourself what your underlying fear is. You can talk yourself out of destroying something you may regret losing.
The other key is to start with the assumption that, “The problem is me.” I have come to love assuming that I am the problem. I find it empowering. If the problem is the world, my partner, my job, that “everyone else is an idiot” or that, “all my options are terrible,” then I’m screwed and there’s nothing I can do. But if the problem is me, there’s a lot I can do. I can always work on myself (in fact, that’s the only thing I can truly work on).
I can also assume the problem is me in a gentle, self-loving, and non-critical way. I’m human; I make mistakes. And many of those mistakes are rooted in my past pains, pains that deserve my compassion and not my condemnation. I know the problem is me, and that is cause to address the issue with self-love and kindness.
There is great power in taking responsibility for our own lives. As kids, we are at the mercy of our parents, teachers, and caregivers, but as adults this no longer needs to be the case. Taking responsibility for your own life can be terrifying; after all; the stakes couldn’t be higher, but it is also an incredible gift to yourself. As scary as the notion can be, I have seen great breakthroughs when people take responsibility for their own life. I’ve watched friends realize they were making excuses for “not growing up.” The excused varied. One friend had an epiphany when he realized he was using, “I’m an artist” as an excuse not to grow-up. Another was convinced his mother needed him to stay dependent for her own self-worth. He feared she might otherwise die due to lack of meaning. And another still told me simply, “I wouldn’t know how to do it.” However, when these people decided to take scary steps towards being responsible for their own lives, in every case their life got better. Their relationships with their parents or other enables changed but more critically, the way they thought of themselves changed. They learned the tremendous power of taking responsibility for their own lives.
This does not mean forgetting where you come from or ignoring the past. Knowing where we come from is powerful. Our caregivers had their own shortcomings, and they did the best they could, just like their parents did the best they could before them, and so on. We had little choice but to turn out the way we did, just like they had little choice but to turn out the way they did. However, realizing we are behind the steering wheel of the car that is our life now can be a game changer. And while there is value in checking the mirrors periodically while driving down the road of life, one can focus primarily on the road ahead. While we cannot control that road, we can control ourselves.
So when in doubt, I go with the assumption that I’m self-sabotaging and that the problem is me. To clarify, that does not mean I am the only problem. I’m just the part of the problem I can influence. Thus, that is the part of the problem I want to focus on rather than driving myself crazy by focusing on problems I cannot control.
I don’t believe in being a martyr. In a bad relationship, the truth very likely involves guilt on both sides. Taking on all the guilt accomplishes nothing other than making yourself a martyr and feeling shitty. However, self-lovingly assuming I’m part of the problem and examining how I can change is empowering. That approach opens up huge opportunities for personal growth.
When others try to tell me it's not me, they may think they are being kind. In reality, I’m being kind to myself when I lovingly ask myself, “Let’s look at what part of this might be on me?”
Ask Yourself:
In what ways do I tend to self-sabotage?
In what ways do I contribute to my current problems?
Can I accept I turned out the best I could, just like my parents and grandparents turned out the best they could, given their circumstances?
How can I take responsibility for the part I’ve played in my own self-sabotage in a way that is compassionate and loving towards myself?
Next Letter: Who We Attract