Am I Enough?
“I make mistakes. I am not a mistake.”
- Anonymous
It’s common to go through life with a mindset that we are perpetually just a few steps shy of happiness. If I could just get that job/promotion/girlfriend/house/car/ husband/wife/partner/kid/more kids/more money/the kids off to school/a different spouse/grandkids/Ferrari/bigger house/boat, then I’d finally be happy. We are endlessly striving for that next tier, “keeping up with the Joneses,” and when getting what we want ultimately doesn’t make us lastingly happy, we just move on to wanting the next thing. It’s like endlessly pouring water into a bucket with a hole in it. For Buddhists, this is much of the problem with the human condition. Thus, some consider it an ultimate goal to be happy with nothing.
To be clear, I have nothing against external things; that is, the things in life outside oneself. Money definitely helps make life easier. A good relationship helps. A rewarding job helps. And of course, some external things are critical to survival, including having a certain amount of money, shelter, clothes, food, connection, and healthcare. I’m also not opposed to external things that are not critical to survival. I own things I don’t need but are certainly meaningful to me and that I enjoy. Nevertheless, let’s explore the notion that, “happiness is an inside job.” Relationships, jobs, compliments – none of these is guaranteed to last. While external happiness doesn’t last, internal joy can be deep and enduring. We know it can last even if and when our externals change. It gives a deeper sense of security and a truer form of happiness. Furthermore, if we do the internal work, the external rewards (the job, the significant other, etc.) tend to have a way of following. I believe there’s a reason for that. Like many things in life, our unconscious minds play out our self-fulfilling prophecies; that is, our beliefs. We get what we unconsciously think we deserve (more on this in the next letter).
Many of us feel empty. We try to fill that hole with countless external things (the job, the boyfriend or girlfriend, kids, drugs, drinking, excitement, adventure, routine, other people, stuff we buy, the list goes on). But it doesn’t work. We still feel empty. Because it is not about what you have; it’s about how you think of yourself. You will feel whole and complete the moment you realize you are already whole and complete.
It’s that simple. You feel incomplete because you think you are. If you attack it as an inside job, you’re no longer pouring water into a bucket with a hole in it. You plug the hole. You begin to become capable of feeling loved. You can engage in relationships, not out of desperation, but out of a sincere desire to both give and receive. You can feel loved when you already know at the deepest level you are lovable. You will have crossed over from codependency (an unhealthy reliance on others that can cause us to lose our sense of self) to interdependency (a healthy interconnection that also allows room for autonomy).
The journey is not always black and white. There’s a lot of gray and many imperfections. I don’t think any relationship is perfect, but there are certainly healthier and less healthy relationships, and we can strive for one that is as healthy as possible (albeit never perfect- that does not exist).
I do not care what your job, relationship status, bank account, health, family, or any other external of yours currently looks like. At this very moment, you are a good, worthwhile, beautiful and lovable human being. You have as much right to be alive and to be happy as anyone else. You have as much right to exist, to breath the air, to take up space, to be successful, to cry, and to feel. However, the real issue is not what I believe about you, but what you believe about yourself. Until you come to believe, on a very deep level, that you are enough, you will continue to feel otherwise. So please, make every effort possible to convince yourself because I assure you, you’re worth it.
Ask Yourself:
What makes me good, worthwhile, and lovable?
Can I think of an example of a time “I made a mistake, but I am not a mistake?”
Do I feel incomplete? If so, in what ways do I try to feel that hole and does it work in any sort of lasting way?
Am I willing to look in the mirror at this very moment and tell myself, I am beautiful, whole and complete? If I’m not, what’s holding me back?
Next Letter: We Get What We Think We Deserve