Healthy Conflict
“Not everything that is faced can be changed,
but nothing can be changed until it is faced.”
- James Baldwin
Along with the false notion that we should be nice comes the cultural idea that conflict is bad. However, is there such a thing as, “healthy conflict?”
Some people crave conflict. Raging may feel like a means to protect the more vulnerable parts of oneself. On the other hand, some people’s go-to defense mechanism is not conflict but avoidance. What if you are scared of conflict and tend to retreat from it? What if you simply prefer not to fight? Understandably, you might prefer not to hurt or upset people. Like our earlier discussion on anger, some of us avoid conflict and bottle things up like a steam kettle waiting to boil over. This works until they explode – then they really go at it.
Not only can conflict be healthy, it’s actually necessary. Attempting to anger-proof relationships is a nice idea that’s unfortunately impossible.
Of course, conflict can also be unhealthy. People screaming at each other rarely progresses a conversation, helps make things better, or leads to any lasting change. Jews and Arabs have been fighting over Palestine for over 100 years. The Persian-Roman wars lasted over 700 years. The Hatfields and McCoy were rivaling families for over a decade. A feud that resulted in over a dozen deaths until the two families finally agreed to a truce. It’s hard to argue that any of those conflicts have been healthy. Yes, a fight can get someone to do something, but has it had a lasting effect that will nurture your relationships or keep people motivated?
So if that kind of conflict is unhealthy, what does healthy conflict look like? The answer is, it looks like an honest sharing of emotions and ideas. It looks like trying your best to “say what you mean but don’t say it mean.” It can be difficult to say what we feel and need. It can be even more difficult to say how we feel when other’s act in a certain way. However, this sort of “healthy conflict” opens discussion. It also looks like a sincere effort to try to understand the other side’s feelings and needs.
This is far more difficult than it sounds. Many of us have a deeply ingrained desire to avoid conflict. Simply saying what is on our mind can be terrifying, particularly if we think that what is on our mind may upset someone. This gets even harder if we care about that someone we’re afraid of upsetting.
We’ve had horrible experiences going back to childhood where it was not okay to say what was on our minds. As a small child my anger was often trumped by those bigger, angrier, and scarier than myself. People “out-raged” me and I learned to become small and hide when I could not compete. When the stakes behind potential conflict were so high, it was never worth the risk. That’s a significant fear to rewire.
The good news is we can start with baby steps. Try saying something small, that you are afraid to say. It may be so small that objectively, you don’t even understand why you’re afraid to speak it. For me it was saying where I really wanted to go to dinner. Or when I really wanted to leave a party. I was scared that others might disagree with me, I feared even this small conflict. That went well and I gradually progressed to speaking my mind in bigger and braver ways. When others disagreed, I learned I could conduct myself in a way I wanted. When a boss promised me a bonus and then later did not deliver on that promise, I chose to approach the issue with a sense of, “healthy conflict.” I did not disappear, shrink down, and just “take it” like the old me would have. I also chose not to rage and yell. I told him I felt disrespected and that I would like an open and honest dialogue. We did not agree on the details of how things should handled but the “healthy conflict” kept communication open until we reached an agreement.
In my experience, when I force myself to engage in a healthy conflict with positive intentions of communicating my needs but not trying to hurt nor care take the other person, they can feel that this is my motivation. Their reaction is rarely what I feared. That fear was all in my head. Furthermore, even if what I tell them is uncomfortable, it’s not as bad as it would have been if I’d kept it inside until it became too much to bear.
Being honest can also change the nature of a conversation. It helps signal to people that it is safe for them to open up and communicate freely as well. When both parties are speaking honestly and are open to listening, you will have a deeper more productive conversation.
The initial experience of speaking our truths is often terrifying, but the feeling that comes after is one of incredible relief. When we’re able to release what we have bottled, we commonly find out the outcome wasn’t as bad as we had expected, and that we are now in a position to address the issue and move beyond it. Even if it does not go well, even if the stakes were extremely high, I’ve never seen anyone regret finding the courage to engage in healthy conflict.
Healthy conflict may be uncomfortable, but the end outcome is nearly always positive. Issues that may have bothered you for days, months or years are suddenly brought into the open. That’s a tremendous and transformational relief. Getting past that initial discomfort and allowing yourself to make that sort of progress is an incredible gift.
Ask Yourself:
What scares me about engaging in conflict?
What might healthy conflict look like?
What very small first attempts could I take towards having the courage to try to honestly, directly, and calmly speak my mind when I fear others might disagree?
Next Letter: Am I Enough?