Self-Sacrifice
“Freedom, by definition, is people realizing that they are their own leaders.”
- Diane Nash
Caretaking is celebrated in our society. As a kid, I was valued for how I could make adults feel good. We brag about how young children can emotionally care take their caretakers. Conversely, we believe a good parent would sacrifice everything for her kids. Culture at large celebrates when one person sacrifices for the good of another, or for the good of the group, but what if the sacrifice is greater than the good that comes as a result? I was in a codependent marriage where I thought sacrificing everything for my wife made me a good husband. This sounds romantic to many, but, like many fairy tale ideals, it never works out well in reality.
Constant self-sacrifice and people-pleasing leads to high levels of resentment and unmanageable relationships. The notion of constant self-sacrifice, while romantic at times, is unrealistic and damaging over the long term. The Karpman Drama triangle, which was first proposed in the 1960s, describes a pattern of rotating between rescuer, persecutor, and victim.
We rescue, then we resent someone for needing to be rescued, then we think of ourselves as the victim. And round-and-round we go, all the while building resentment. As the cycle continues, it gets more dramatic until it erupts. Constant self-sacrifice simply does not align with human nature. I know we would all like to be super-human (myself included), but it is healthy to accept that we have limits, and needs of our own.
On an airplane they ask that, in the case of an emergency, you put on your own mask before helping others. This is because if you pass out, you’re no good to anyone or to yourself. Thus, we must see to our own needs before we can help others. The same is true in life. Taking care of ourselves first ensures that we are in a position to help others.
If you think someone else needs you, truth may be that you yourself need to feel needed. You and the person you’re caretaking may in fact be playing into each other’s neuroses. You may be enabling as much or more than you are helping. Taking care of someone with more severe problems than yourself is a good way to keep from focusing on your own problems. When someone else’s issues seem more obvious, you can easily tell yourself, “If only they would change, everything would be fine.” In reality, whom we choose to spend time with says a lot about who we are. If you choose to spend time with unhealthy people, there’s likely a reason worth exploring.
I’m not saying it is bad to want to please or take care of other people. Far from it. It’s just that it’s also okay to express your own needs. It’s wonderful to take care of your own needs and to put yourself first. There, I said it. I said what we’re not supposed to say, and I’ll even repeat it: It’s wonderful to put yourself first. It doesn’t make you any less of a loving spouse/parent/child/employee/employer/friend. It just means you love yourself. And, if you choose to separate yourself from an unhealthy person, that doesn’t mean you don’t love them. It just means you’re learning to love yourself.
For some, the very concept of loving oneself makes no sense whatsoever. I would ask these people, “Do you hate yourself?” For those who answer yes or are unsure, my next question would be, “Well, if it is possible to hate oneself, shouldn’t it also be possible to love oneself?”
Others still, feel neither hate nor love for themselves- they are numb. For them I would like to propose the notion that learning to love ourselves is possible. We’ll explore that more later for now I’d like to merely suggest for your consideration that the idea of self-love could be possible.
Ask Yourself:
How much importance do I tend to assign to my own needs, relative to the needs of others?
Do I love myself?
Do I hate myself?
What would it look like if I chose to focus on my needs more than on others’ problems?
Next Letter: Being Nice