Balance
“If I am not for myself, who will be for me?
But if I am only for myself, who am I? If not now, when?”
Hillel
I’m not sure I was ever aware of my dad needing anyone. He is a pillar of support to my mother, myself, my brother, and anyone else who needed him. I admired that greatly. I sought to emulate it. I married a woman who needed a lot of emotional support. I was going to be the pillar that would be strong enough to support both of us. It is said that every relationship has an unwritten contract, whereby the parties implicitly agree to the roles each will play. This contract is rarely spoken or even consciously thought about. My role was to be strong, to be the hero, to be the prince charming who would always be supportive. Her role was to be the damsel in distress, the one needing rescuing, but also the one in charge. It's a dynamic that many would consider romantic. But I eventually discovered it’s also a dynamic that is completely unrealistic and impossible to maintain.
I’ve come to realize that everyone needs support. No one can be a pillar all the time. In a healthy relationship, the two parties support each other. At times, party A leans on party B for support, and at other times, party B leans on party A. Furthermore, there are times when each party recognizes that they can’t give the support their partner needs, and it’s healthy for their partner to get emotional support elsewhere. Always being the strong one or the hero causes people to crack. Much like perfectionism, it forces an impossible ideal that no one can maintain.
This lack of balance is often described as a “codependent relationship.” One partner has taken responsibility for the other. It often comes with power struggles as the parties attempt to control one another. Making yourself responsible for another human being’s emotions is unfair, unrealistic, impossible, and leads to resentment and guilt as we saw earlier in the drama triangle.
On the other hand, interdependent couples have a healthier balance between the two parties. They are not attempting to control each other and they both respect each other’s individuality and separateness. The parties are capable of functioning independently, but can also support each other when they have the emotional capacity. While there is love and support in the relationship, they do not rely exclusively on each other for their emotional needs. Every adult is ultimately responsible for his or her own emotional wellbeing.
It is also possible to overcorrect. Things can get confusing when people fear they are being codependent or enabling, and therefore try to help less. There is nothing inherently wrong with wanting to help other people, especially those we love. However, constantly putting someone else’s needs before your own is a recipe for unhealthy codependency. Helping when you have the capacity and desire to give, but without hurting yourself, remains a loving act.
It can be helpful to approach interdependency as a relationship type in which both parties give, but neither sacrifices. Sacrificing means we expect something in return (like recognition) rather than giving out of love, without the expectation of reciprocity. If you’re expecting something in return, you are setting both parties up for resentment.
My grandfather was never one for emotional stories, but he did tell me once how he lost his best friend. His best friend of many decades was having money problems and asked to borrow a few hundred bucks from my grandfather to make his mortgage payment. My grandfather agreed. After all, he wasn’t going to let his best friend go homeless. This friend then spent the rest of his life avoiding my grandfather out of embarrassment that he could not repay the loan. My grandfather told me he never cared about the money; he was just sad to lose such a good friend. What I remember most about the story is when he told me that if he could do it all over again, he would never have lent his friend the money. He would have just given it to him. He would have expected nothing in return. Including friendship that had already been granted and not out of any sense of obligation but out of love.
Ask Yourself:
What is the difference between giving and sacrificing?
Am I willing to give and receive help in my relationships?
What kind of relationship do I want?
What have been the unwritten contract roles in my previous (and current) relationships?
Next Letter: Getting Your Hopes Up