Meeting People Where They’re At
“We do not receive wisdom, we must discover it for ourselves, after a journey through the wilderness which no one else can make for us, which no one can spare us, for our wisdom is the point of view from which we come at last to regard the world. The lives that you admire, the attitudes that seem noble to you, have not been shaped by a paterfamilias or a schoolmaster, they have sprung from very different beginnings, having been influenced by evil or commonplace that prevailed round them. They represent a struggle and a victory.”
― Marcel Proust
Not everyone is ready for the ideas explored here. There’s a good chance, if you are reading this, that you are far more ready for them than most. That’s truly incredible and rare. I applaud you. I am touched and admire you for the courage such a journey requires. However, others may not be so ready. This notion underlines the importance of, "meeting people where they’re at."
It’s human nature to want to share experiences. To find something that impacts you and to want to share it. That’s wonderful and I encourage you to find people interested in discussing the ideas that you both find interesting. I’m quite fond of the expression, “Don't cut the person to fit the coat.” Meaning, we must accept that everyone is unique and not force what has worked for us to work for someone else. Everyone is on his or her own unique journey. Thus, the coat/journey must be tailored to fit the person, never the other way around.
It’s fine to take an idea and make it your own. It's also okay to take what works for you and disregard the rest. The ideas must be made to work for you, as making you work for the ideas is too painful. If some ideas contained in these letters work for you but you despise others, that’s great. In the end, it’s all one person’s opinion (and blindly believing anyone is a concept that frankly frightens me. All people are fallible). What I am suggesting is that you allow others that same privilege.
Suppose a patient who had never done therapy before walked into a therapist’s office and the first thing they heard was, “You’re unconsciously married to your father both emotionally and sexually. You have a repressed hatred for your mother. And you’re self-sabotaging your career and relationships.” Even if this diagnosis were 100% accurate, the new patient would likely not be ready to hear and consider it. More likely they would run from the room and never come back, regardless (or because) of the diagnosis’s validity. We have to learn to give people what they can handle when they can handle it and to accept them wherever they are currently on their own journey. Just as we seek to accept where we’re at on our own life’s path.
It’s great to push people who want to be pushed. And it’s especially great to push ourselves. However, you can’t push people when they aren’t ready. It’s rarely productive to give someone advice if they don’t want it (when in doubt, you can always ask someone, “Would you like to hear my advice?” and respect the answer).
For me, the key to serenity is to gently work on myself and to just as gently work on accepting others exactly as they are. It’s not easy, but I have found it leads me to a much greater sense of inner peace. I no longer wonder if I can change someone. I only wonder if I can accept them exactly as they are, faults and all. If I can, that is a very loving act. And if I can’t, it's my choice if I want to work harder to accept someone or make the decision to no longer have them in my life. Either is okay.
Even if you know all the answers to fixing someone else’s life (if only they would listen to you!) they may or may not be ready to hear it. Give them time. Perhaps they’ll get there. Perhaps they won’t. In the meantime, I find it’s best to focus on myself and to gently remind myself that, “Everything we judge in others is something within ourselves we don’t want to face.”
Ask Yourself:
How do I really feel about accepting others where they are at rather than where I wish they would be?
How do I feel about being pushed to make a decision or think about something when I don’t want to?
How do I know when I’m pushing someone too far?
Can I think of a time when what I disliked about someone else may have been a reflection of something I disliked about myself?
Next Letter: Is It Just Me?