Changing Someone’s Mind
“The only way to change someone's mind is to connect with them from the heart.”
― Rasheed Ogunlaru
Have you ever noticed how remarkably difficult it is to change how someone else thinks? There will be times when something seems ridiculously obvious to you and yet the person you are speaking to simply cannot or will not see it. It’s as if they’re incapable of seeing it. It can feel like trying to explain a computer to a caveman. They are simply not in the headspace to understand what you are talking about. You are pushing a giant boulder uphill, and chances are you will get exhausted or crushed.
Sharing these letters is in part about trying to shift the way you think, and yet in most cases a 1% shift, a slight consideration that was not there before, will be a tremendous accomplishment.
An effective initial step towards convincing anyone of anything is hearing their side first. As Stephen Covey put it, “Seek first to understand then to be understood.” Truly listen to the other person, just as you would hope they would truly listen to you. If you can find even a small nugget of truth or wisdom in what they are saying, acknowledge it. Often the lines of communication will begin to open.
It is more powerful to let someone come to a conclusion on their own rather than skipping ahead to the conclusion for them. Of course, you can help them reach the conclusion. A common teaching technique is to let the student discover the lesson rather than being told it. The teacher helps guide the student, helps them see the evidence as they venture towards a realization. During this journey, the teacher can usher in evidence that contradicts the student’s existing belief system, which may help them begin the long and difficult work of changing their perspective.
Make no mistake, changing someone’s mind can be a very challenging process. People are remarkably committed to believing what they want to believe. Thus, we tend to interpret evidence only in manners that support pre-existing beliefs.
Ultimately there is only one person we can ever truly hope to change and that is of course ourselves. You are always allowed to have desires, intents and wants about other people. However, there is great relief in the difficult acceptance that in the end we simply can’t control them.
Some of us believe we are wonderfully skilled at manipulation. You might be able to manipulate someone into believing or doing what you want, but don’t confuse manipulation and control. And while manipulation can work in the short term,, it is rarely if ever sustainable. Worse yet, manipulation has a tendency to lead to resentment on the part of both parties. Those being manipulated will feel resentful of being tricked and those doing the manipulation lack authenticity and thus deny themselves true-self acceptance.
While sometimes you are successful in manipulating others, ultimately there are too many variables at play to ever truly be in “control.” You never truly know the future and most people, when attempting to control others or be controlled by others, find it an exhausting and futile process.
So, if we can only control ourselves, what are we left with to maintain our sanity when surrounded by people who can’t see what is so painfully obvious to us? First and foremost, we can seek to take care of ourselves. We are always allowed to tune into to our feelings and needs and provide self-care. Next, we can realize the incredible power of acceptance. We can seek to accept people, not as we wish they would be but as they are. I find that the more I seek to accept people exactly as they are, the easier my life gets and the less anxiety I experience. I am no longer hung up on how I think someone should be or should act. I don’t want to make the work of acceptance sound easy, it is not. However, it is powerful.
The group Adult Children of Alcoholics (for adults that grew up in alcoholic or otherwise dysfunctional homes) has a variation on the serenity prayer that I like to remember whenever I need to work on accepting another person. It goes, “Grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the person I can, and the wisdom to know that person is me.”
Ask Yourself:
Why is it so difficult to change someone’s mind?
How would I feel if, rather than trying to immediately convince me of something, the other party “sought first to understand then to be understood?”
What are some differences between manipulation and control? In the long term, can I truly control other people?
When frustrated with my inability to change others, how do I feel about focusing first on taking care of myself?
In what ways could acceptance lower my stress and make my life easier?
Next Letter: Meeting People Where They're At