Compassion
“It is the weak who are cruel.
Gentleness can only be expected from the strong.”
– Leo Roskin
Merriam-Webster’s dictionary defines compassion as, “sympathetic consciousness of others' distress together with a desire to alleviate it. Thus, truly hearing someone compassionately must involve listening with the intent not just to understand what he or she is saying, but also to understand how he or she is feeling. When I do this, it radically helps me stay calm regardless of what the other person says or does. It puts me in a position to be more compassionate.
People and conversations that might otherwise have stimulated me to feel angered or annoyed me no longer have that effect. Rather than getting infuriated by what someone is saying, I’m trying to understand whether they are scared, confused, or lonely. Regardless of the emotion I pick up on, since I’ve been concentrating on the other person’s feelings I’m no longer in the mindset to be upset myself. Furthermore, going in with the assumption that all feelings are valid even if I can’t initially see the reason behind them helps build connection between even the most adversarial parties.
Suppose someone is a drug addict. I sincerely believe addiction is terrible for the addict and for society at large. Nevertheless, what if I try to explore the emotions behind their actions? I am not condoning their actions, but I believe that if you simply ask someone in a highly emotional state, “Do you feel _____?” they begin to feel better. Don’t come at them with condemnation, shame, or judgment that will likely make them feel worse and drive them further towards their destructive behavior. I am approaching them with compassion that will likely help them feel validated in their emotions and help them take more positive actions instead. I am showing that I care by showing I am curious how they feel.
It is important to realize that validating someone’s emotions is not the same as validating their actions. I’m a firm believer in the difference between having feelings and acting on them. For example, I think most of us have experienced wanting to kill someone, but wanting that and acting on it are wildly different concepts. By saying your anger is valid, I am not saying the actions you want to take are valid. Rather, I am helping release you from your feelings as opposed to ineffectively bottling them, which can lead to the very actions I would never condone.
The same goes for the way we treat ourselves. I see little value in condemning our own thoughts; after all that doesn’t make them go away. However, I see great value in realizing that our thoughts and our actions need not be one and the same. Thoughts can be just thoughts; they can be addressed and handled with loving care. I need not judge my own thoughts harshly, but I can still hold myself responsible for which thoughts I do or do not act on.
We can do the real work of self-compassion by understanding the emotions behind our thoughts. We can remember that our emotions are valid and know it is still up to us to decide how to act or not act.
Ask Yourself:
How do I imagine I would feel if someone listened to me not just to understand what I am saying but to understand how I am feeling?
How do I define compassion? And how might I show compassion when I choose to?
What’s an example of a negative thought I can think without acting on it nor condemning myself for having thought about it?
Next Letter: Cheering People Up