Authenticity
“Nobody is so miserable as he who longs to be somebody other than the person he is.”
- Angelo Patri
This is my favorite letter to write. I love authenticity. I love it because I was an incredibly fake person for most of my life, and once I began to discover the power of authenticity, my life changed. I felt like I had discovered the secret to a better life, and I was confused, saddened, and at times infuriated that no one had told me this secret earlier.
Machiavelli wrote, “For the great majority of mankind are satisfied with appearance, as though they were realities and are often more influenced by the things that seem than by those that are.” It is true most people are doomed to go through life with a mask on. Tragically, they will never even know themselves.
You may have one mask you put on at work that fits the way you think you’re supposed to act there. You may have a different mask for friends. Yet another for social situations. Perhaps yet another for your spouse, kids, or family. And maybe even a mask to hide the true you from yourself. We go about pretending to be who we think we are supposed to be. Worse yet, we go about unaware of who we actually are.
I believe most people spend so much time with a mask on that they can’t help but lose touch with their authentic self. The great paradox of who we truly are is that we must lose ourselves in order to find ourselves. Meaning, we must risk doing away with those false selves we’ve made up for outward appearances so that we can begin to find out who we really are underneath those facades.
I started experimenting with taking my mask off only out of desperation, because I was out of ideas. I’d tried everything else, so why not try the thing I was most afraid to do, and be vulnerable- be me?
Unfortunately, it’s not always safe to be authentic. I had to find the right people and places, but slowly I found safe people and safe places where I could let my mask down. I started small. Places to say what was really on my mind. People I could reveal something embarrassing to. I discovered that vulnerability is a good thing when I showed it in front of people who could hear me without judgment and without needing to give advice.
By starting small, I was able to gradually realize that my childhood fears were not relevant to my adult reality. I had always seen vulnerability as a dangerous weakness. With hostile people, vulnerability can be seized upon. And revealing your true self could potentially leave you extremely vulnerable. I was learning a new reality, which was that my vulnerability would not always be attacked. There were people who would embrace it. I could embrace it. That realization led to a deeper connection with others and with myself. Furthermore, I came to know that I could protect myself in ways I was not taught in childhood.
This gave me the confidence to try being authentic elsewhere. It didn’t always go perfectly, but as I experimented, I always felt better. I found ways to be more authentic in nearly every aspect of my life. Ways to put my true self into my work even if it was subtle at first. I was giving myself permission to be myself.
After decades of going through life with a mask on, I cannot tell you what a relief it was to take it off. It was like I’d been holding a gigantic beach ball under water for decades. I was tired. I was dying to burst out. Being fake all the time is exhausting. Now, if I’m authentic and someone else is uncomfortable with who I really am, I realize that’s their problem and does not need to impact how I feel about myself. Discovering authenticity was like discovering the secret to true happiness. I had read countless books on how to be happier, and I was shocked that none of them ever explained the incredible joy and freedom of being your authentic self.
I have also come to realize that before we can be honest with others, we must first be honest with ourselves. How can I take a risk and share something embarrassing with you if I haven’t figured it out for myself yet? Often, getting honest with ourselves is even harder than being honest with others. It’s amazing how hard the brain will work to hide what it doesn’t want us to see. As you dig deeper and force yourself to get more honest with yourself, it can be very scary and very life altering. The key is to lovingly accept it all. Attempt to care for yourself like a loving parent cares for a child – with unconditional love.
Taking my mask off remains a gradual process. It takes continued effort and practice to push past my fears and be me. It's painful, but not as painful as the alternative. I’m still peeling that onion and doing so with a sense of progress, not perfection.
Likely you will have different interests and goals at ages 5, 55, and 105. As you seek to discover yourself, remember that answering the question “Who am I?” is a never-ending work in progress. But that journey is perhaps the greatest gift you can give yourself.
Sprinkled throughout these letters, I’ve tried to give many examples of vulnerable stories I often found embarrassing to share. That is part of my journey towards authenticity. These stories will be out there for anyone to judge me. However, the goal remains, not letting their judgments impact my opinion of myself. The more I live in my truth, the better my life gets. I am no longer living my life to fit a mold I think other people believe I should fit. I’m living my life for me. I’m acting for me. And I believe that is truly a life worth living.
Ask Yourself:
What masks do I wear and who do I wear them for?
What fears do I have about being more authentic?
With what people or places might be safe for me to experiment with authenticity?
In what ways might I be lying to myself about who I really am?
Do I believe deep down that it’s okay to be me?
Next Letter: Connection