Who Am I?
“You are you. Now, isn't that pleasant?”
- Dr. Seuss
“What do you do?”
It’s a common question. When meeting someone, it is often one of the first things we ask. We do this in part because it’s polite small talk, but we’re also trying to decide how to judge someone. The brain cannot objectively take the time to get to truly know a person, to, figure them out and understand all the little details that make them uniquely their own complex self. So the brain must take shortcuts. Naturally, we look for categories that we already understand. “Oh, this is a doctor.” “This is Joe’s mom.” “She’s Bob’s girlfriend.” “He’s a stupid kid, a jock, a scholar, a good guy.” Our brains search for categories that we can stick people in, and then we immediately begin to make assumptions based on our preconceived ideas about those categories.
Yes, it is prejudice, and yes, we all do it. Prejudice, racism, sexism, and other forms of discrimination are often framed as yes/no questions. Are you racist? Yes or no?” In reality, everyone carries prejudices. It would make more sense to say “How prejudiced are you against such-and-such?” Some people are more or less prejudiced than others against a particular group, but everyone’s brain is working hard to stick people into categories (what connotations comes with those categories also varies greatly, which is key to determining the extent of someone’s prejudices). This happens even though the judgments we are making are simply generalizations and may be completely unfair and irrelevant to the person or people being judged.
In movies, like in life, we want to know clearly who are the good guys and who are the bad guys because this helps create a world we can understand. Then we are shocked by the twist if a good character turns out to be bad or vice-versa. In the real world, things are rarely that simple. One side’s good guy is the other side’s bad guy. And perhaps both sides are oversimplifying and dehumanizing the ways in which we see each other. Pick nearly any conflict throughout human history and I assure you, at the time, both sides thought of themselves as the good guys. To use an extreme example, while today nearly all consider Nazis as having been villains during World War II, during that war devout Nazis thought of themselves as the good guys and Germany’s enemies as “bad.” Artwork from the era depicted Hitler fighting evil dragons that were meant to represent Germany’s villainous enemies.
Many people get their self-identity from what categories they can stick themselves into. What job we hold, how prestigious the company we work for is, how much money we make, the type of men or women we can attract, whether we’re attractive or popular, whether we’re a mother/father/brother/sister/daughter/son, whether we’re athletic, intelligent, liberal, conservative, American, African, African-American, Chinese, what political party we belong to, what social groups we belong to, the sports teams we root for, are we part of the beautiful people, the losers, the outcasts, the popular crowd… the list goes on. We look for the buckets that help us make up our identity. In some ways we are all the things we think we are, but at the same time none of those need define us. Take any of those categories away, and do you stop being you?
Ultimately, you are you and I am me. That’s it. We’re individuals. All the other external labels are societal shortcuts that only define us as much as we let them. Does who you are truly change if you lose your job, money, or even family? At the core, are you not still you? What if you took a blood test tomorrow and found out your family isn’t even from the region you thought. Would you seek to exist? What if it turned out they weren’t even your family? Has who you are on the inside actually changed?
Those buckets are merely stories we tell ourselves. I’m not suggesting that some people are not richer, taller, more athletic, or smarter than others. I am suggesting that those factors cause us to make false assumptions about ourselves and others. We judge based on external things, which are impermanent and have only the fleeting meaning we choose to give them. Instead, we could choose to judge ourselves and others based on internal merit, which is ultimately more lasting and carries deeper meaning.
We get to choose how we will attribute value to ourselves and others. Is someone more valuable because they are attractive, rich, intelligent, knowledgeable, tall, famous, popular, athletic, black, white, male, female, young, or old? Some cultures place the most value on intelligence. For others, it’s beauty. For others still, it's race or gender that decides how valuable a human being is. Often we apply the rules in more complex ways, like judging women more on looks or men more on athleticism or money. These are all choices we make on how to value people. I choose to try to value people based on internal factors. I also choose to believe that all people have intrinsic value. I choose to believe that we are all truly equal, regardless of our externals. Therefore, I choose to strive to believe that I am neither inferior nor superior to anyone.
Does this mean I stop recognizing people’s differences or that I no longer recognize when someone is attractive, smart, or belongs to some other category? No. Do I want to spend time with all people? No. Do I do any of this perfectly? No. Does this mean I believe all potential romantic partners are equal? Far from it. Does it mean I believe all people are equally qualified for any given job? Of course not. What it does mean is that I choose to believe all people have natural intrinsic value simply because they exist. I try to recognize that value regardless of societal standards. That helps me approach the world in a more loving and positive light. It helps me feel better about myself and others. And I do believe that the more people look towards each other's internal worth rather than external factors, the more the world becomes a place I want to live in and be a part of.
Ask Yourself:
What external factors do I use to judge people?
What external factors do I use to judge myself?
What makes me me?
What internal factors do I value in others and myself?
Do all people really have natural intrinsic value?
Next Letter: Authenticity