Connection
“Vulnerability is the birthplace of connection and the path to the feeling of worthiness..”
-Brené Brown
When we were together, my wife would often tell me, “I love you.” However, I had a difficult time internalizing the words. I couldn’t really believe them. As I would later discover, deep down, I neither loved myself, nor even believe I was truly lovable. Hearing the words from someone else, would never fix that.
I put a lot of effort into trying to be the person I thought my ex-wife wanted me to be, and very little time being my authentic, imperfect self. The result was that perhaps she was in love with some character I created, but how could she be in love with the real me when she hadn’t met me? That was why I couldn’t believe it when she said, “I love you.”
At the time, I also hadn’t met the real me. I didn’t have any clue who I really was, so showing my true self to someone else was impossible. Today if someone tells me they love me or gives me a compliment, I am able to internalize, feel, and believe that compliment. I know I am lovable because I love myself. Furthermore, I know that I have been my authentic self with the person telling me they love me. They saw me, faults and all, and they still felt love for me. That is a true love of the true me.
Getting to this point involves tremendous and terrifying risk. To have this type of true connection with someone means dropping our masks and our shields, leaving ourselves vulnerable in order to truly show ourselves to another human being, faults and all. Nevertheless, I would argue that “faults and all” is how we all yearn to be loved. In fact, our faults are the parts of us that need the most love from others and from ourselves.
I have become convinced that calling a partner “perfect” is one of the worst things you can say to them. It sets up an impossible expectation that ultimately no one can live up to. Deep down, we all know that we’re flawed. We are wonderful, amazing, and lovable while at the same time we are also perfectly imperfect.
Think how good it would feel to be loved, faults and all. Expecting your kids, spouse, self, or anyone to be “perfect” is cruel. Loving them and accepting them as they are, perfectly imperfect, is an incredible, life-altering, and life-opening gift.
Vulnerability is the root of meaningful connection. Many of us seek surface-level connections, all the while craving something deeper and more meaningful. When I look around at a bar, a mosh pit at a rock concert, or nearly any other place people gather, I see people yearning and struggling to connect- commonly without any real understanding how to really do it.
Alas, deep connection involves truly showing ourselves to another human being. It involves showing them the parts of ourselves that we are scared or embarrassed to show and risking that those parts won’t be accepted. But when they are accepted, it’s wonderful. Making ourselves vulnerable by definition means making ourselves susceptible to being hurt. It is that risk that allows for true meaningful connection. When the other person is able to see us and reciprocate, also opening themself up, you will begin to feel the type of connection so many of us crave and yet struggle to achieve.
A note of warning; once a person realizes that vulnerability is the key to connection, they’ll often ask others to be vulnerable with them so that they can feel this amazing connection more often. However, asking someone else to be vulnerable is not particularly brave. It involves minimal risk on the part of the person asking. The more courageous approach is to lead by example. Being vulnerable ourselves is truly brave and sets an incredible example. With the wrong person, they will not reciprocate, but you can still feel proud of yourself for trying. And, with the right person, showing vulnerability will lead to amazing connection and understanding.
Ask Yourself:
For even a moment, am I able to be vulnerable with myself? Meaning, without judgment, examine and tell myself how I truly feel right now?
What might it be like to feel truly connected to others?
Who is someone I trust enough to take a risk with and be vulnerable?
How might I go about taking the risk of being vulnerable and authentic first?
Can I feel proud of the effort regardless of the results?
Next Letter: What Vulnerability Says About Us