What’s Holding You Back
“It is not because things are difficult that we do not dare,
it is because we do not dare that things are difficult.”
- Seneca
This list of ideas in these letters is far from comprehensive. It far from covers every unhelpful idea worth challenging. The truth is, every individual has unhelpful ideas so deeply ingrained in their thinking that it can take a lifetime of digging to uncover and change the detrimental thoughts. I’m still digging, and likely always will be as I seek to make my internal and external worlds happier, freer, and more serene.
When you’re feeling stuck or having problems in any area in your life, it can be helpful to take a moment and consider what your parents or caretakers unknowingly taught you about that subject. What did they teach you about relationships? Money? Careers? Work? Politics? Happiness? Sex? Men? Women? Self-worth?
Digging up deeply seeded unhelpful thought patterns can be very difficult. Nevertheless, the work is liberating. If you’re lucky enough to dig up an unhelpful thought pattern, then the next difficult stage begins: challenging it. Talk to other people and get other opinions. Is the thought you believed to be inherently true, actually the truth? Is what your parents or caregivers unconsciously taught you valid? How about, is it helpful to you now? Yes, they did the best they could. I very much agree with that but that is a separate point. Don’t let that block you from the real goal of self-improvement.
Ask yourself what you would like to believe. The good news is you don’t actually have to believe it yet. You just have to recognize how your thinking has created trouble and perhaps consider what would help you to consider believing.
When you know what you would prefer to believe, you can begin testing if perhaps it might be accurate. You can experiment in your own life and see if you can usher into your mind evidence that supports your new theory.
You can repeat positive affirmations, which are thoughts that you don’t believe yet but would like to. For example, if you’d like to believe you are lovable, tell yourself, “I am lovable,” even if you don’t believe it (for ideas on positive affirmations, see the positive reframings in “Idea 22: That Voice in Your Head”). If it’s really uncomfortable for you to say, that’s a good sign. That means you’ve found a good one, an area where you really need some work. Keep telling it to yourself until you can say it with ease and truly believe it.
You can meditate on what you’d like to believe. Take the time to focus on the uncomfortable thought. To ask yourself, “Why do I believe this to be true?” You can talk to your inner child about it and see if you as a loving adult can help teach your inner kid to have a healthier perspective.
If the key to how we feel is how we think, it's up to us to examine how we think and to give ourselves the best lives possible, because (as I’ve chosen to believe) we deserve it.
Ask Yourself:
In what ways do my thoughts influence my reality?
What area am I currently struggling with? What unhelpful ideas might my parents or caregivers have taught me regarding this topic?
How could I reframe a negative thought into something that would be more helpful to believe (even if I don’t believe it yet)?
Next Letter: Crazy-Stupid Self-Love