Getting Uncomfortable
"You sought the heaviest burden of all and found yourself."
- Friedrich Nietzsche
Trying to avoid discomfort is natural. Discomfort exists to tell us something is wrong. If you were sleeping in a position that was uncomfortable, you would adjust without even thinking about it. Similarly, we go through most of our lives seeking to avoid discomfort. In most cases we’d seem crazy to actively seek it out. And yet, getting uncomfortable is key to personal growth.
Modern culture is particularly adept at giving us opportunities to avoid discomfort. If we have even a moment that feels uncomfortable, we can reach for our cell phones, TV or the Internet for distraction. Many would argue that we’ve actually forgotten how to sit with our discomfort or even, how to be bored. Thus we lose the benefits that come with these uncomfortable states.
Sometimes when I feel the urge to take part in one of my escapes, I ask myself, “What if I choose to head towards my discomfort?” If I sit with it, I find that it generally passes. Not only is it temporary, the discomfort is often much less intense than I feared. Sometimes it passes and that’s it. Which is great. Other times, I am able to explore it deeper to try to figure out the underlying cause as to why I am uncomfortable. Are there negative messages in my head that I can reframe to free myself? Am I taking on someone else’s negative feelings? Am I taking on someone else’s negative messages about me? Am I worrying about something or someone outside my control?
As we see time again, none of this happens perfectly, but by allowing myself to be uncomfortable I gain awareness and progress. When I engage in my escapes, I can temporarily find some relief but no lasting growth and no deep relief.
Earlier we discussed how worry, anxiety, and shame are rarely productive. The question becomes, “When is discomfort productive and when am I just torturing myself for no good reason?” This is a critical question. If during my discomfort I am ruminating on things that make me unhappy without attempting to dispute or reframe them, my discomfort is likely not helpful. Some of us are quite comfortable shaming ourselves. In fact, many religious practices encourage us to take pride in how much shame, guilt, and self-abuse we can pile on. However, I would argue this sort of beating yourself up is ultimately unproductive. A self-loving approach is more likely to produce long-term results. If letting yourself be uncomfortable seems like it will produce results such as preventing acting out in your addiction of choice or giving yourself the space to be more attuned to your inner world, then I would argue that being uncomfortable is of tremendous value.
This also does not mean you have to be endlessly uncomfortable. You can decide how much is enough for you. When attempting any self-improvement technique, people usually want to know, “How much progress will I make?” The answer is, “Exactly as much as you want.” If you want to put a lot of work in and make a lot of progress, you likely will. If you want to put a little work in and make a little progress, that’s great and will work too. In my experience, while the speed of your growth is not always up to you, the depth is.
Ask Yourself:
Can people experience real inner growth without discomfort? Why?
Can short-term discomfort be worth it if it leads to long-term progress?
When is discomfort productive?
When is discomfort unproductive?
Next Letter: What's Holding You Back