Accountability vs. Blame
“A man without arms can’t hug you.”
- Unknown
A lot of modern psychology may appear to be built around “blaming” parents and caregivers. In fact, these letters could be mistaken as evidence as that sort of thinking. However, “blame” is not the word I would prefer. In fact, I fear “blaming” our parents is ultimately counterproductive.
I believe immensely in viewing our parents as human. Removing them from pedestals of perfection and seeing their faults is enlightening. Removing judgements entirely is even more helpful. They are not "good" people or "bad" people, they are people. The motivations behind the things it feels like they did “to us” likely had far more to do with them than they ever truly did about us.
Understanding the unhelpful messages of our childhood is key to our growth and our freedom. However, I do not view that as “blaming,” I view that as awareness of causes. And as we’ll explore, there is great value in awareness but less in “blame.” I can however hold them accountable. I can acknowledge the truth of what happened without blaming.
I prefer to think of it in terms of, “people can not give us what they do not have.” How can I blame a man for not giving me food if he does not have any? How can I blame my parents for not teaching me what they did not know? We all do the best we can.
I may not be able to understand or rationally justify some people’s “best.” It’s hard to write-off child abuse as, “they did not know any better.” After-all, I believe in holding people accountable for their actions. But I also fear getting stuck in continuing to blame someone else for who I am now. That takes away my power to determine my own identity and to define my own future. I don’t want anyone but you to dictate who you are, who you want to be, who you need to be, or who you can become.
Letting go of blame and resentment frees us (we’ll discuss this more in Idea 49 “Forgiveness”). Letting go of blame and forgiving does not condone behavior. It does not ignore it nor pretend like it was, “Ok.” It merely attempts to release our past’s hold on us.
This must be handled carefully. I fear that sometimes, “they did the best they could” can be taken as an excuse not to look any further. I am certainly not suggesting that. We must always look further if we wish to continue our growth. However, we can attempt to look without blame and without judgment. Furthermore, we can look with compassion. My heart goes out to my own parents for their own struggle and pain. Most of which I can only guess at and, although I would like to, I will never really know. I fear they too will never really know the depths of their own repressed suffering. It is a multi-generational pain passed down to them like their parents before them. They had their own difficult childhoods and lives. They have their own emotional repression, fears, loneliness, and disconnection. I know that like all people, they too must yearn for connection and authenticity. And I know, their parents also could not give them what surely they craved. I have great compassion for that.
I try to acknowledge the many incredible gifts my parents did give me- while being careful not to also use that as an excuse not to look at the unhelpful messages they taught me.
I also have great hope in my own ability to break many of those generational cycles. Just as my parents broke many of the unhelpful cycles that were passed down to them- I am grateful I can continue that progress. I can keep the focus on myself and take responsibility for my own life, and my own feelings. Blame keeps us stuck in the past. Awareness, mourning, understanding, compassion and most important, taking responsibility for our own lives motivates us towards the future.
I have found it immensely helpful to remember that people show love in the ways they know how- not in the ways we wish. For much of my adolescent years, I received the same gift on my birthday. We would go-to a professional basketball game. We got the cheapest seats you could and I love it. I looked forward to it all year. One year, my dad had a work trip and couldn’t go. So my mom took me. I cried the whole time, I was miserable. My mom didn’t understand, after-all I had gotten the same gift I’d always loved in the past. I didn’t have the awareness to realize either, what I really wanted deep-down was to share this with both of them. While I couldn’t understand any of this at the time, it feels healing to realize now that my dad had no way of knowing the way I wanted him to show love. After-all, I didn’t even consciously know that myself. However, my dad spent a lot of time with me. He would take me for pizza and camping trips often. It's not hard for me to realize, to know, and to feel that he did show me lots of love in the ways he knew how.
Ask Yourself:
What would a blameless examination of my childhood look like?
How could a fear of blaming my parents be preventing my introspection?
How could blame be preventing me from taking responsibility for my own life?
Next Letter: Who Am I?