The Apple’s Distance From The Tree
“The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently.’
- Friedrich Nietzsche
It's common for parents to think of their children as miniature versions of themselves. Even as adults, when they are no longer quite so miniature, parents commonly see their children as extensions of themselves. Parents can take pride in boasting about their kids’ accomplishments, and perhaps feel ashamed of their shortcomings. Parents pushing kids in the direction of their own unfulfilled dreams is a common joke, but it’s nonetheless true. What is often underappreciated is the damage that thinking inflicts.
It is never a child’s job to become their parents, to be an extension of a parent, or to attempt to fill holes in their parents’ lives. It is a parent’s job to take care of a child. Expecting children to be an extension of a parent is an unhealthy and ultimately damaging expectation.
A newborn baby does not understand where it ends and the mother begins. When a mother cries, a newborn will often wipe its own eyes, displaying its lack of understanding of its own autonomy and individualized identity. However, as the child gets a little older, it will naturally begin to individuate and pull away. A healthy child will pull away with the knowledge of a secure base. It will seek to venture out on its own while still knowing the parent is there to protect it. This is considered a healthy attachment style. Pulling away and finding one’s own identity is a key part of growing up. Being upset at our children for this natural growth is stunting to their self-discovery and self-actualization.
Children naturally want to please their parents. Staying in a parent’s good graces is basic to their survival. A young child who no longer is cared for by a parent is as good as dead. Nevertheless, a good parent shows love unconditionally and not just when the child is meeting their preconceived notions of how they should or should not be.
Often we associate how good a child is with how little trouble it gives the parents or other adults. This expectation says more about the parent’s own desires than the goodness of the child. Unfortunately, a child cannot make such a distinction and will begin to judge its own value based on how little of a nuisance it is. The child will learn to deny and hide its own true feelings.
Of course, no parent does the job perfectly. A good parent is still an imperfect parent. Most of us (whether we realize it or not) learned how to parent from our own caregivers. This is why a parent’s problems so commonly appear in their children. Anxious parents often have anxious children, angry parents often have angry children, and so on. This cycle can be broken, but it takes hard work and self-reflection. Exactly the type of work you are probably already doing if you are reading this.
The most loving act is to keep trying imperfectly, day-in and day-out. Any honest parent will confess the agonizing lows as well as the joyous highs that come with being Mom or Dad. They also understand that you can still love someone while feeling a myriad of not-so-pleasant emotions towards them.
Children’s (and adults’) job is to find themselves. Not to find how to please others by attempting to fit into a mold. It is natural and wonderful for children to have their own thoughts, their own bodies, their own interests, and their own desires. We should celebrate our children both for the ways they are like us and the ways they are not. In other words, we should celebrate them for being themselves.
Ask Yourself:
How is a child a reflection of their parent(s)?
How is a child not a reflection of their parent(s)?
What makes a successful, loving, imperfect parent?
Next Letter: Accountability vs. Blame