Perspective
“There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.”
William Shakespeare
There is a Taoist story about a farmer whose horse ran away.
His neighbor hears the news and comes by to tell the farmer, “I’m sorry to hear about your bad luck.”
The farmer replies, “Good luck, bad luck, who knows?”
A short time later, the horse wanders back to the farmer’s stable. The neighbor can’t believe it and comes by to congratulate the farmer on his turn of good luck.
The farmer replies, “Good luck, bad luck, who knows?”
The next day, the farmer’s son takes the horse for a ride, only to be thrown by the horse and have his leg broken.
Upon hearing this sad news the neighbor offer his condolences, "Your son has broken his leg and can’t work. This is really bad news."
The farmer replies, “Good news, bad news, who knows?”
The next day, the army comes through and commands all able bodied young men join the war, but because of his broken leg, the farmer’s son can’t join. The neighbor again comments on this tremendous struck of luck.
To which the farmer replies, “Good luck, bad luck, who knows?”
How we feel has more to due with how we think about things than the things we are thinking about. Epictetus wrote, “Men are disturbed not by things that happen, but by their opinions of things that happen.” Often when someone upsets us, if we dig a little deeper we realize it is our interpretation that is upsetting, and not what they actually said or meant. The difficult truth is, no one makes us feel anything. They are merely a stimulus. Realizing that is quite empowering, with awareness, we can choose how to react to a stimulus. As Victor Frankl taught us earlier, “Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”
Recently I was discussing with a friend my desire to have more balance in my life. To which she responded, “You must not find the time to go-to the gym anymore.” My initial reaction was hurt. I felt judged that she was implying I was not as in shape or as physically attractive as I use to be. However, in that moment, I was able to pause and realize no one makes me feel anything. I could choose how to respond. Then I was able to realize what I was really needing was self-acceptance. If I accepted myself, it didn’t matter what someone else may or may not think. After that, I was no longer negatively triggered by her comment
Similarly, good feelings about a person are not always tied to reality; for example, we might naively hear an insult as a compliment. Ultimately, we decide what lens we see the world through, and that lens creates our interpretation of the world. Remember how the optimist and the pessimist will see the same scene and give very different interpretations? We all see the world through the biases of our own thinking.
Metacognition, or thinking about thinking, is also sometimes referred as being in the “seat of the observer.” This means taking a step out of your own mind and evaluating your thoughts. Perhaps when feeling anxious, ask yourself, “What am I thinking about?” See if you can observe your own thoughts without judgment.
When you view your own thoughts as if you were an outsider, things start to look very different. Ask yourself questions like, “What am I thinking?” and perhaps even, “Why am I thinking this? Is my thinking helpful? Would I like to change it?” By doing so, we often gain additional perspective. In my example above, when my friend commented I must not make it to the gym anymore, I was thinking, “I’m not as physically attractive as I use to be.” By first realizing what I was telling myself, I was then able to decide to lovingly change what I was telling myself
People tend to get stuck in patterns of thinking that in turn drive our patterns of feeling and action. I like to think of what’s playing in my mind as a TV channel. If you don’t like what’s on, change the channel.
You can challenge your own perspective even if you don’t believe it at first. Was that person really out to get you? Are you really such a horrible person, or are you just human? Are you unloveable or worthwhile? Are you doomed to fail or capable when you put your mind to something? Do you deserve good things?
Challenging negative thinking on our own is quite powerful, but it’s also wonderful to recruit help. Sometimes it takes a true outsider to help us realize how crazy and destructive our thoughts are. Try seeking out people whose opinion you respect. You can choose to seek out positive people, people who disagree with you, or people who seem to have something you want (internally or externally). Someone might appeal to you because they seem to have a sense of calm, introspection, or personal growth you admire.
When thinking about thinking, keep in mind that it’s people’s tendency to start with a conclusion and then search for biased information to support that conclusion. So we’re going to have to work extra hard to challenge our own biases. Most people also think, “Everyone’s biased but me.” But it’s okay, accept you’re human. You have your own biases like I have my own biases. From there, we can begin to try to challenge our assumption and decide if they serve us. While you can’t always change the world around you, you can change your interpretation of that world.
Ask Yourself:
How does my perspective influence how I see the world and react to it?
What thoughts are running through my head right now?
What thoughts and feelings run through my mind when I’m anxious? Might it be helpful to re-examine them?
What thought patterns do I tend to get stuck in?
Who could I share some of my recurring thoughts and feelings with?
Next Letter: Why We Choose to Have Kids