“Bad” Adults
“I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”
– Maya Angelou
Prior to the creation of Alcoholics Anonymous, someone with a drinking problem was generally left to feel ashamed. After all, that’s why they had to make the program anonymous. But of course, the shame associated with having a drinking problem only served to make it worse for alcoholics. Instead of validating the underlying emotions that lead to drinking, and encouraging the alcoholic to feel those emotions, the alcoholic was made to feel bad and ashamed. This kept the cycle going and generally made the problem worse. As John Bradshaw put it, "How can a problem that is organized and motivated by toxic shame be cured by increasing the toxic shame?" Alcoholics often drink to escape the shame of drinking. The same can be said for many addictions.
It’s not only when dealing with kids that one can use focusing on actions and feelings, rather than whether or not the people involved are inherently good or bad, for more effective communication. A common approach in marriage counseling is to get partners to stop criticizing one another and to start criticizing actions, with a particular emphasis on how their partner’s actions made them feel. Think about your own experience. If someone insults who you, it’s human nature for your defensive walls to fly up. After all, you’re being attacked so the fight or flight response is natural and healthy. Unfortunately, when the brain is focused on defensive maneuvers, it can’t focus on understanding or on rational arguments. Your brain is wired to deal with the most urgent thing first. If you were in the woods and a bear were to suddenly jump out at you, your brain knows to quickly send the signal, “Danger, run!” Your brain therefore processes “Danger, run!” far more quickly than, “That’s a brown bear. Actually, that’s a North American brown bear.”
The same is true when we are communicating with each other. If we want to keep people open to hearing our ideas, we need to make sure their defenses stay down. That means making sure they do not feel attacked.
If we focus on making sure people know we do not think they are bad even if we are unhappy with their actions, we keep the channels of communication open. By focusing on and trying to understand our own feelings, we can begin to have an open discussion. In my experience, this leads to amazing connection and progress. For many of us, attack mode is deeply ingrained. It might take a real effort to try a new approach that doesn’t make someone’s defensive walls fly up.
One helpful technique that I again learned from Marshall Rosenberg’s “Nonviolent Communication” is to try to keep the focus on emotions and their underlying needs. This happens by examining both parties:
Focusing on, understanding, and communicating MY OWN emotional response. How do I feel? What might I be needing?
Focusing on the other person’s feelings. What might they be feeling and needing?
In this approach, if I am feeling in need of empathy, I turn my attention to my own feelings and needs first. And then, only if I am able, I turn my attention to the other party’s feelings and needs. Are they frustrated? Scared? Confused? Lonely? Tired? Attacked?
I find that focusing on people’s emotions allows me to stay compassionate rather than defensive. It keeps my own walls down, which means I’m in a better position to help others do the same. It leads to truly remarkable understanding and growth, even when practiced imperfectly (and I believe “imperfectly” is the only way to do such an incredible but challenging practice).
Ask Yourself:
How might confrontations go differently if I focused on communicating how I feel?
Can I criticize actions without criticizing the individual?
Can I examine my own actions without degrading who I am as a person?
As an experiment, am I willing to try listening while tuning in to how someone feels rather than attacking, judging, or giving advice?
Next Letter: Perspective