“Bad” Kids
“Easy to see is another's fault,
But one's own fault is hard to see,
For he sifts other people’s faults
Like they were chaff or husks of corn,
But he will conceal his own faults,
Like a cheat will conceal defeat.”
- Buddha
Earlier, I suggested that when kids hear they are “bad,” they tend to believe it. They begin to think they are bad people and that they should act accordingly. Furthermore, they may come to believe that as bad people they don’t deserve good things and that they do not deserve to exist at all. Thus, they may be forced into turmoil with their very natural desire for survival.
I was called a bad kid for most of my childhood. At times, I wanted to prove people wrong, but I quickly discovered that changing what people think of you is extremely difficult. Most of the time, it was just easier to embrace my “bad kid” label rather than attempt the nearly impossible task of changing what people thought. If they believed I was bad and part of me believed I was bad, the part of me that disagreed was greatly overpowered.
So what is an alternative to telling someone they are bad? We want to be compassionate and empathetic to our children, but part of a parent’s job is also correcting behavior so kids learn to function in a complex and difficult society.
An alternative to criticizing people is criticizing actions. There is a big difference between “You’re bad” and, “That thing you did is bad.” The first option makes us think we are flawed. It’s loaded with shame. While guilt can help us keep ourselves in check, shame binds us. As Brene Brown eloquently put it, “Guilt says, ‘I'm sorry. I made a mistake.’ Shame: ‘I'm sorry. I am a mistake.’”
Shame compounds our problems and makes them worse. It might serve to prevent us from acting out in the short-term, but rarely prevents anything in the longer-term. Rather, it makes us think, “The problem is me,” and thus that we are in-fact doomed to repeat those actions. That in turn makes it more likely that we will repeat those actions we’d hoped to avoid.
Criticizing actions rather than people allows us to feel healthy guilt instead of shame. “You’re a bad boy” only communicates that a person is flawed. On the other hand, “That thing you did is bad” can still imply, “I love you, imperfections and all. You are not a bad person, but you did do a bad thing. I believe you can do better.”
Let’s say a child is screaming in a public place. We could yell at him, “Bad boy!” That communicates little to the child other then, “You are wrong.” Or, “You are in fact ‘bad.” The child does not get the opportunity to understand why they are wrong, they only know they are inherently flawed. However, what if we said, “it is impolite to yell in public. I believe, if you wanted to, you could act more politely.” Now we are not criticizing the child’s being. We are however teaching them societal norms.
We take this one step further when we communicate in a manner that focuses on ourselves. We can say, “I feel scared/sad/angry/upset when you (fill in the blank).” Let’s use our earlier example of the yelling child. What if we told the child, “I feel embarrassed when you scream in public because it is considered impolite. I believe you can be very polite when you want to. Would you please stop yelling?” Now we have shifted from a criticism to expressing our own vulnerability. Now we are giving the child insight into why we are making a request. The request also gives them a power to make a decision rather than being pushed down by the threat of a demand.
Of course, if a child is running into traffic, I am not suggesting taking the time to explain how you feel. I am suggesting that after getting the child out of danger calling the child “bad” will not accomplish much in the way of getting the child to understand what went wrong. However, telling them “I felt terrified when you ran into traffic because it is dangerous. I love you and want you to be safe” communicates how we feel and why we would prefer them to act differently in the future.
By expressing how we feel, we are less focused on criticizing the other person and more focused on communication. It shows sincerity, and communicates that we care. This opens up channels of discussion and understanding. We can understand the reason our actions are problematic, and know it isn’t because we are inherently bad people. That understanding is likely to have a far longer reaching impact on future actions, as well as prevent damage to anyone’s sense of self-worth.
Ask Yourself:
Does having done bad things make someone a bad person?
Can I embrace my shortcomings and the shortcomings of others with compassion?
What might happen if I removed the label “good” or “bad” from myself and others?
Next Letter: "Bad" Adults