Playing It Safe
“A ship in harbor is safe,
but that is not what ships are built for.”
John A. Shedd
When I was in the midst of my depression, I debated moving to a remote area where I didn’t really know anyone. After all, I love nature, and being isolated has always felt very safe to me. Isolation would have meant there was no one to hurt me, and no one for me to hurt. I’d grown tired and afraid of both those things. As I considered a more secluded life, I realized part of me just didn’t want to do it but I couldn’t understand why I didn’t want to be safe. Then I had an epiphany: safe does not equal happy.
Yes, isolation is safe. Not taking risks is safe. There are a lot of things we do because they are safe. If the choice is life or death, choosing safety makes a lot of sense. If you lived in a jungle, eating a food you’re not familiar with could kill you. However, like many instinctual thought patterns ingrained within us, our fear of risk has not kept up with the evolution of our modern realities.
Consider all those times the stakes weren’t that high but some part of your brain made you feel like they were. Times when you were afraid to try something, say something, or just to be yourself. Perhaps this was based on irrational fears, or maybe you’d had a bad past experience that made you feel like there was more at risk. The thing is, it’s worth taking risks and doing the things we are afraid once we come to realize, that while there is great comfort in playing it safe, it does not lead to a happier, richer, or more fulfilling life. Benjamin Disraeli said, “Action may not always bring happiness; but there is no happiness without action.”
When pondering whether or not to take a risk, I have discovered the power in trying to engage with the fear rather than turning away from it. “What is the absolute worse-case scenario that can happen if I take this risk?” It can take some internal digging to find my real underlying fear. Often fears are layered, and the underlying fear must be dug up. For example, a fear of flying is often really a fear of mortality. However, someone exploring this fear would rarely start there. They might at first realize they are afraid of the plane crashing but they would have to be pushed deeper to realize the underlying fear of mortality that is always within them and merely stirred up during plane travel.
When I realize the core of what I’m actually afraid of then I can validate it. I can tell myself, “That would be scary- if it were to really happen.” More often than not, at this point I realize two things. First, the thing I’m afraid of is wildly unlikely to actually happen. Second, while facing my fear may have been unthinkable in the past, now it’s something I am equipped to handle.
With those realizations, I am able to take the risk. I’m not saying the fear disappears entirely, but I am saying that I have the courage to act in spite of my fear. And that is truly a life-altering gift.
The best example I can think of in my own life is around my romantic relationship fears. That include fears of intimacy, abandonment, being hurt, hurting people, being alone, rejection, enmeshment, and smothering (There are likely even more fears I’m not aware of but let’s take those to start). First, through introspective work (like journaling, inner child meditations, and talking to others about their own journeys inward) I try to find the fears under those fears. Through that journey, I realized that fears of intimacy, rejection, enmeshment and smothering are largely rooted in a deeper underlying fear of losing my authenticity. In the past, I had given up my true self and tried to change myself to be what I thought someone else wanted. That was quite painful for me. By realizing my underlying fear, I can validate it. I can tell myself that surrendering my authentic self, as I’ve done in the past, would indeed be incredibly awful and self-abusive. It is 100% logical and valid to fear something that horrible. At the same time, I also quickly realize, well in reality, I’m unlikely to do that anymore. Sure I use to, but I’ve come a long way. By repeating that process of examining deeper-and-deeper for each fear, they lose their power. Again, I am not saying my fears always reach zero. However, I am saying I wildly increase the power I have to act in spite of my fears rather than to be ruled by them.
Ask Yourself:
Where do I play it safe?
How might playing it safe be preventing me from living a happier, more fulfilled life?
What is a risk I’ve turned away from in the past?
- What was I afraid of? What was the absolute worst-case scenario (no matter how improbable)?
- If that were to happen, how would it feel?
- What might I have done to handle it, should the worst-case scenario have come about?
- What would it be like to allow myself to feel fear and act in spite of it?
Next Letter: Do What You're Bad At