Going For It
“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”
– Victor Frankl
So let’s say you’ve dug up a negative thought, you’ve started to invert it, and now you’re starting to believe you do deserve good things. What comes next? If you think the hard work is behind you, I have good news and bad news. The next step is both very exciting and terrifyingly difficult: going for it.
Let’s say you’re starting to believe you deserve a better job, career, partner, home, vacation, or simply to be treated better. You’re starting to believe you’re an inherently good, worthwhile, and lovable person. You’re getting into the right mindset to take positive action. As mentioned earlier, belief and action work together. When we start to believe that we deserve something, we take action to move towards it. Often, our actions go well, so we gain more confidence, so we take more actions, and momentum grows quickly.
Sometimes our actions don’t go according to plan. That means it’s time to readjust. We’ve gotten new information, which can be incredibly valuable. I used to have a fear of talking to women. My first steps were pushing past my fear and opening my mouth. There were a lot of times I wanted to do that but couldn’t; it was like I was paralyzed. Then one day I saw a girl on the subway reading a book I loved. This was my moment. I felt my fear, but I opened my mouth anyway and said, “Great book.” She said, “Oh, really?” And then, I was done. I’d been so set on pushing past my fear of opening my mouth that I had only thought through the need to say something. I had not planned for the need to say a second something. But I got out there, I gave it an attempt, felt good about my accomplishment, and gained a little more confidence. I also gained new information about what I needed to do the next time I talked to a girl: say a second thing.
Naturally, the people who get what they want in life are the ones who pursue it. Do 100% of people who pursue what they want get it? No, and accepting that is key to accepting that we are not in control of anything aside from ourselves. However, 100% of the people who have what they truly want in life believed they deserved it and therefore pursued it (and they probably did so in spite of their fears).
It has been my experience that people who pursue what they really want never regret trying, regardless of the outcome. On the other hand, people who don’t go after what they really want spend a lot of time (and in some tragic cases, a lifetime) regretting never having tried. People generally don’t lie on their deathbeds regretting the things they wanted to try and did.
Pursuing what you want frequently does not go the way you expect. It goes better. We set out to pursue one thing, and as we gain confidence, momentum, and knowledge, circumstances adjust to become something better than we could have dreamt. That’s why I believe it’s best to focus on the journey (in fact, you could say, “The journey is the destination”). You don’t need to know where you’re going. As Lao Tzu put it, “A good traveller has no fixed plans, and is not intent on arriving.” If you know what direction you want to travel in, all you have to do is keep taking steps in that direction and see where you end up. Chances are it will be better than you ever imagined.
Ask Yourself:
Would I rather start with actions or beliefs? Or both in stages?
If I did pursue what I want, could I learn from trying?
Can I give myself permission to try imperfectly?
Next Letter: Playing it Safe