Fear
"Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear."
- Mark Twain
According to Yoda in Star Wars, “Anger, fear, aggression: the dark side of the Force are they.” This encapsulates a popular belief in many cultures that these emotions are bad. But are they? Let’s continue to question it.
We are wired for fear. It helps us survive. It helps us avoid things that are likely to be harmful. You’re supposed to be afraid of spiders, snakes, and bears because they can kill you. Even though some are harmless, your brain is taking a conservative approach. Those fears are an evolutionary gift that kept your ancestors alive. You’re also supposed to be afraid of new things. In cave dwelling days, what was unknown might also be lethal. You’re supposed to be afraid of death, which keeps your will to live strong. However, while Mother Nature’s intentions regarding fear were positive, fear does not always help us. It's lost a lot of its caveperson-oriented purposes, and now it can hold us back from doing things that would be beneficial.
Whether we are paralyzed by our fears or acting in spite of our fears, the fact remains that all human beings feel fear. As Mark Twain understood, courageous people simply do not let their fears stop them from acting.
By saying that fear should not be felt, that it is part of the “dark side,” we shame the emotion. We make people feel as if something is wrong with them because they feel an emotion all healthy people are wired to feel. Unfortunately, this compounds the problem. Now we’re not only afraid, we’re also ashamed for feeling afraid. So we stuff it all deep down inside of us and feel even worse. Time and again, we learn that we simply need permission to feel our feelings in order to release them.
If there is something you want to do but are afraid of, perhaps the goal is not to eliminate your fear, but rather to act anyway. I was afraid of the vulnerability involved in writing these letters. I was even more terrified to publish them to the world where anyone could read and judge them, but I have loved taking that risk and acting anyway. I am scared of romantic relationships due to both my fear of being hurt and of hurting other people, and yet I know what a gift it is to act in spite of those fears. I was terrified to try scuba diving, a hobby I had always dreamt about, and now I consider it something I truly love- even though I still have to push past my fears every time I jump in the water. My fears are all still valid but I have learned the value in pushing past them and courageously acting anyway when I choose to do so. I have learned most good things in life involve risks. I can choose which risks I am willing to take for the payoff on the other-side of my fears.
I like to think of my fears as, “real but not true.” Meaning the feelings are very real. Denying our feelings never releases us from them, it intensifies them. There is underlying validity in any fear. However, that does not mean the outcome I fear is true. If we dissect our fears they often seem irrational but the emotion is nonetheless very real.
Thank your fears for trying to protect you, but tell them you’ll be doing what you want anyway. As Meister Eckhardt put it, “Action and becoming are one.”
Ask Yourself:
Is fear something to be ashamed of?
What fears might be holding me back?
What could happen if I acted in spite of my fears?
What is the absolute totally-unlikely worst-case scenario?
What is the absolute best-case scenario?
Do I really know what the outcomes will be?
And, am I willing to take such a risk? If not, could I become willing in time?
Next Letter: Self-Sacrifice