Impermanence
"Nothing is permanent. Everything is subject to change. Being is always becoming."
-Buddha
Certain fundamental pillars hold up the realities of how we view our lives. These often include our jobs, homes, core family, core friends, and our basic understanding of who we are. So what happens when one of these fundamental pillars is ripped out from under us? It can shake us very deeply. For me, my reality was shattered when my marriage crumbled. I have witnessed others face understandably deep existential devastation at the loss of a child, home, job, loved one, or their personal safety. Sometimes multiple devastations hit and people lose several pillars of their reality in close succession or all at once. Once a basic building block that we have used to define our life is gone, we are faced with little choice but to realize that nothing is guaranteed.
Tragedies happen, and they can happen to good people, and in times of great despair we are often forced to realize the impermanence of what is most important in our lives. This impermanence challenges our reality, and it can also challenge our sense of purpose and identity. If I primarily think of myself as a “loving husband,” what am I without my wife? If I think of myself as a CEO, what am I without my job? If a mother says her kids are the “meaning of her life,” then if she were to tragically lose her children, would her life cease to have meaning? Does she longer deserve to exist? It can certainly feel like that, and she is likely to go through a horribly devastating existential crisis. In time, though, there is a good chance she will begin to find a new purpose, perhaps even one that builds on the suffering she experienced.
I would argue that one thing that is guaranteed to be there from the moment you are born to the moment you die, is you. You can’t escape yourself, even as much as many of us would like to at times. Wherever you go, there you are. To take this a step further, I would argue that you are a wonderful life purpose for yourself, just as I am a wonderful life purpose for myself. This idea is often met with initial reluctance. We live in a culture that shames “selfishness,” but I would argue this is not selfish. It is self-loving, and furthermore, it is honest.
Deep down, aren’t we all motivated by self-interest? If we help someone, we do so because it gives us an emotional reward, and that’s great. Having kids is often referred to as a “selfless” act, when in reality parents have kids because some part of them wants to. I’m not saying this is a bad thing, but I am suggesting that since no child ever asked to be born, having kids is always the parents’ decision. In fact, I certainly hope people are choosing to have kids because they want to. We may do it partially or primarily for others, but naturally we also do it for ourselves and that’s okay. I am suggesting we change our definition of “selfish” and admit that if we look deeply enough, we are all living our lives for ourselves. So let’s celebrate that fact rather than shame and guilt ourselves over it. In my humble opinion, there is no better purpose to anyone’s life than loving, accepting, and bringing joy to herself. The people who truly love and care for themselves are able to spread the most love.
Ask Yourself:
- What labels, titles, positions, material goods, relationships, or other external factors define me
- What internal factors define me?
- What is always guaranteed to be there and can never be taken from me?
- How do I feel about myself? Do I love myself? Do I accept myself?
Next Letter: What's Important?