What the Hell Do I Want, Anyway?
“Be patient toward all that is unresolved in your heart
and try to love the questions themselves.”
- Rainer Maria Rilke
Nearly from birth, many kids are subtly discouraged from feeling or expressing a wide range of emotions. Anger is not socially acceptable. Crying annoys mommy and daddy. Sadness is pitiful. Frowning is unattractive. We unconsciously learn to reject, stifle and stuff our feelings and hide our authentic selves. We unfortunately have learned not to connect with our emotions means we are equally clueless at connecting with the needs and unmet needs that lie behind all our feelings.
If we have spent years learning to avoid ourselves, our real feelings, our real desires, then how do we now get in touch with them? Most of us have developed some pretty powerful (and mostly unconscious) tools to help us avoid our inner worlds. The first step is making the conscious decision to go in the other direction. To bravely head towards what we are so used to avoiding. The more we get in touch with our authentic feelings and needs, the more we uncover what it is we really want. Then, we are empowered to head towards building a more wonderful, authentic and fulfilling life for ourselves.
Often we struggle, searching for an external sense of purpose, not realizing that purpose is not an external journey, but rather an internal exploration. We don’t need someone else to tell us what our purpose is. We need discover it for ourselves. The answers are always within us; we just need to give ourselves permission to look inside rather than out. And that’s great news. Since life has whatever purpose we chose to give it, we can come up with something that works for us at this moment in our lives.
If you’ve made the decision to head towards a scary goal such as figuring out “What the hell do I want, anyway?” there are a few techniques you can use. Again, none are right or wrong. I’m all for using whatever works for you. I certainly wouldn’t claim mine is the only approach, but I will share what has worked for me with the hope that you might also find it useful.
Sometimes, people trying to help someone discover what they really want will pose the question, “Well, what did you want when you were 5 years old?” And then, if you can answer that, they’ll tell you that’s what you really want. While I see its merit, personally I don’t like this technique. Victor Frankl wrote, “For the meaning of life differs from man to man, from day to day and from hour to hour. What matters, therefore, is not the meaning of life in general but rather the specific meaning of a person's life at a given moment.”
The truth is, what you want can change over the years. And what you want right now will likely change again. Take a moment and ask yourself, “What was the meaning of my life at age 5? How about at 15? At 25?”
Was the answer the same every time?
So the goal is to get in touch with what you want now. However, let’s not totally abandon this concept of talking to some form of your younger self. This is where I find the whole “inner child” thing helpful. Call it a gimmick, gospel, or whatever you like. I think of the inner child (or inner children) as a technique to have a compassionate conversation with myself. It helps me get in touch with more vulnerable and authentic parts of myself. Kids naturally evoke more compassion and honesty. It can be difficult to look our adult selves in the mirror and feel compassion and kindness. We’re adults, we should be able to suck it up and take it, right? However, by asking the small child within me what he wants, I can listen with greater compassion. I can care for that child in a gentle, loving manner.
However, most of us cannot simply start by asking our inner children what they want, because we have spent a lifetime abandoning those desires and blocking out those parts of ourselves. So if we did have an inner kid, why the hell would this person trust or want to talk to someone who’s been ignoring him and worse yet, explicitly going against his needs and wishes? That would mean trusting our own abuser- never a smart move
You may need to start small. You can record the following simple meditation and play it back to yourself…
Close your eyes. Take a few long, deep breaths.
Imagine the home you grew up in. Start at the front door and slowly, head inside
Take in the space.
Walk through it.
Remember what it looked like, the colors, the smells.
Eventually, find your younger self in that home. In a place that feels familiar.
Introduce yourself.... See if she/he will talk to you. If she/he is willing to speak, perhaps just ask what he wants for lunch (or any small question you like).
Tell your kid you want to get that for them. Tell her/him you’re going to go now, but you’ll be back very soon to visit.
Take a few long, deep breaths.
Slowly, open your eyes
Then, if your kid was comfortable enough to answer this time, go get that food for her/him. It won’t be a perfect relationship, but overtime trust can be built. Love can be felt even through the imperfections of one’s relationship with one’s inner self. If your kid didn’t answer, keep trying. Please be as loving, patient and gentle with your inner child as you can be. As that trusts grows, it will become easier to ask yourself tougher questions such as, “Well, what do I want now?”
Keep in mind that there’s a big difference between listening and acting. Be willing to lovingly listen to all of your inner kid’s thoughts without judgment. And know listening does not mean you have to act on those thoughts. Whether your inner child tells you they want pizza or that they want to kill you. As a “loving inner parent” you can choose to lovingly listen. Then, as a loving responsible adult, you can decide to act or not act on what they want. Just being aware of this voice inside of you and listening will help your life immensely. You’ll begin to discover what it is you actually want and need. Then you can search for healthy ways to get your emotional needs met.
If the child says something you disagree with, that frightens you, or might overwhelm you with emotion, that’s okay. Take your time. Start with the assumption that all emotions are valid. The reason behind the emotions might just be hard to identify. You might think, “I shouldn’t feel sad,” “I shouldn’t feel angry,” or “I shouldn’t feel _____.” I encourage you to assume that whatever your inner kid feels is valid, even if you can’t yet figure out the reason why it’s valid.
My hope is for you to work towards a more loving relationship with your inner-child and thus, really with yourself. To progress from being at odds to being in love with one’s self is to move from being your own critic enemy to your own greatest supporter. However, right now it is okay to accept that the relationship may have a long way to go. Your inner child could resent, hate, or fear you. That’s okay. Later we’ll talk about how to begin shifting those thoughts and strengthening that relationship. For now, I am merely suggesting as a powerful step in that direction, knowing that all emotions are valid. From there we can begin to build a better relationship. It is an imperfect process and it rarely happens in a straight line. But it's a powerful, imperfect, indirect journey should you choose to embark on heading further down that path with no final destination.
In my experience, there is no such thing as giving your inner kid (i.e. yourself) too much love, compassion, or empathy.
Ask Yourself:
- Do I know what I want? In the short-term? In the long-term? In my personal, professional, and spiritual life?
- If I don’t know what I want, am I open to finding out? As I start, do I know what I don’t want
- What would life be like if I headed towards my unpleasant feelings, rather than away from them? How do I feel about experiencing that for a bit?
- Can I try to speak to my inner child? Do I understand what they were going through at 5, 15, or 25? Can I listen without judgment? Can I separate thoughts from actions? Can I give myself compassion?
Next Letter: Impermanence